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SS Judas (eddy styx)

Submitted by Candlewitch on Thu, 2012-09-13 11:49

SS Judas

paper boat
afloat
a massive
puddle
matchstick man
at the helm
papyrus sails
pregnant
by sneeze
your cruiser
catching up
with
my progress
no warning shot
fired
across my bow
you waved a white flag
of slick betrayal
then rammed me broadside

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Thanks for the tital suggestions! (used to be "Titanic") always, eddy styx
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing

Comments

Ian.T

Wed, 2012-09-19 11:56

Ian.T's picture
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Paper Dreams, would be fine then the Titanic could still be used as a sub heading and the whole thing left as is.
I liked this write, it held me till the end, I will read again to see if there is an underlying story but that may take time, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Candlewitch

Thu, 2012-09-20 11:09

Candlewitch's picture
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Thank you! I appreciate your time and attention spent on reading my little poem :) be well.

always, eddy styx

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author comment

loved

Wed, 2012-09-19 13:02

loved's picture

with the Titanic
but to call it a paper weight
will be highly derogatory
and to compare with your feather weight
at least charming
could you please re-title it
in the hope of retaining
an established miseries memory..

loved

Candlewitch

Thu, 2012-09-20 11:14

Candlewitch's picture
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I would gladly consider any alternate title suggestions. Suggestions will be most welcome, as I seem to have run aground on inspirational titles. Thank you for reading this piece and making a suggestion.

always, eddy

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Candlewitch

Thu, 2012-09-20 11:17

Candlewitch's picture
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Loved has requested that this poem be retitled. Can you think of any alternative titles? I await your vivid inspirational imagination.

always, eddy

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
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author comment

loved

Thu, 2012-09-20 12:32

loved's picture

perhaps
if titanic it has to be

loved

judyanne

Fri, 2012-09-21 14:47

judyanne's picture
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hi eddy

i love this write

suggestions for title, dependent on how you want the write read
maybe
SS Treachery, SS Betrayal, SS Judas…

i especially like the ending
'you waved a white flag
of slick betrayal
then rammed me broadside'

love judy
ps - love to cat
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Candlewitch

Tue, 2012-09-25 11:45

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You make perfect sense ;) do warped minds think alike?

always, eddy

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Candlewitch

Tue, 2012-09-25 11:43

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Thank you for your suggestions and comment! Always appreciated! Cat says "Hi" right back at ya!

always, eddy

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Candlewitch

Tue, 2012-09-25 11:48

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Somehow my response to your posting ended up below Beau's. I wonder how that happens?

much appreacation, eddy

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment
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