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SPRING FEVER (theory of relativity shop)

Sitting in a poplar's shade
on this late spring afternoon
while heat sends shimmers in the glade
summer time will be here soon

A drop of sweat dives off my nose
as I sip on a cold sweet tea
I can't shed any further clothes
for it would show too much of me

Bumbling bees provide a hum
as they pollinate the varied flowers
a toneless tone which leaves me numb
after hearing it for hours

The air's so lazy it won't stir
and barely deigns to support birds
the kind of stillness that occurs
at unexpected obscene words

Eyelids start to slowly drop
my breath becomes measured and deep
just as the world appears to stop
I drop off into a tranquil sleep...

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
OK. I looked back through over 400 of my poems. I realized that I was unable to judge whether any of them failed to connect. I didn't want to choose based on number of comment. So I purposely wrote this for the shop. I hope it's a good example of a poem which reads well but leaves the reader unaffected...........stan
Editing stage: 

Comments

As you have written this one for the workshop, it will do the job as it is quite a bit below your normal standards. It seems rather shallow in description and maybe the same old same old,
We shall see what others think of this, Yours Ian.T
PS:- I did revise my entry to the workshop but it has gone un-noticed..As with yourself I found it hard to choose a poem for the shop..

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I noticed you had revised your poem. Too late to say uh oh but the poem would have been better left as is for somebody else to revise lol. As to my scribble, I figured I'd do my best to write something which could be easily improved upon in more than one manner. I started to use something which had received little comment but then decided that might not really reveal if a given poem connected, it could have just been posted during a lull...........stan

author comment

My original poem was withdrawn as a few said why was it there in the first place as it connected with the reader, so I put another in its place to see if it connected with the readers, but I seemed to have gone unnoticed as per, and hardly any comments on it.
I am at a loss as to why my work is treated this way , I give out many comments, clear the undiscovered place often, and still I only have four as an average for comments, sometimes less..
I could take it that my poetry is OK and there is no need for comments but I, as all of us, need comments and critique to be able to improve and this is a workshop..
I wrote a poem the other day called "Now and Later" it was in that pentameter or whatever and took me a lot of thought, it had two comments one from Jess, and the other from Rula.
This nearly made me give up on working and I was as cross as ten snakes with our people, had I put shit in the title Maybe there would have been more comments.
I had better go just one Typo in your piece you wrote swaet instead of sweat some place.. Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I kinda figured that's why you edited. As to your lack of comments on poetry I must confess that I almost always read your stuff but then figure that you won't mind if I save comments for those who need a bit more of my "help". I'll try to mend my ways though. And I did read "now and later" and thought the rhythm was better than most of mine. Oh yeah, thanks for the typo spot............stan

author comment

Our regular poets are fine and that includes yourself, in the comment zone, but I miss the interaction between the poets when they just read and as you say there may not be a need to comment.
Our themes, you and your walks me and my Spiritual domain they sometimes need a shakeup.
This was one reason I asked for the hit counter to be brought back, it made writing a pleasure, and as mine reached 60 I would send them to other places on the net but now it's two or three comments unless we are obstructive or swear lol..
Thanks again for your attention to my comments it is pleasing to me , it is past midnight here now so I must off to sleep. Take care my friend, I will talk to you later, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

are
the kind of stillness that occurs
at unexpected obscene words

It is a lovely poem and deserves more attention.

The critique? Apart from those lines it lacks impact.
But how is that a critique of your poetry?
You write beautifully. My only real critique is that the sign of real genius is being able to disguise your influences. You are a Robert Frost fan and it shows.

You know I like to provoke and startle. So perhaps this is not a critique at all, just a difference in taste.

I am sure others will be moved by this poem.
There should be more peace and gentleness in this world than my manic manner manifests..

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Yeah I'm a Frost fan. But I also like some of Poe's as well as Dylan and even a bit Plath. I guess all poets show their influence to some extent. As to this lacking impact, it was written precisely to lack impact or connection or whatever one chooses to call it. I wanted to demonstrate to shop members that imagery doesn't always equal immersion while leaving plenty of room for improvement when it gets edited by another shop member. I Wanted to use an existing work but just couldn't determine which of my stuff best displayed lack of connection with reader. (lord knows there are plenty to choose from lol). ...........stan

author comment

Sorry to say that this doesn't belong to this WS . At least for me. It reads beautifully and -as one living in one of the Gulf Countries- almost we don't have but ONE season around the year , which is summer, where the A/C is on all the time.So as you can see, I can easily connect to each and every word.
Beautiful and lively images too. What would anyone ask more?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Well this really disappoints me as I wrote this specifically to Lack connectivity lol. I know the imagery is there but that's about all that Is there. Well....it's submitted now and I guess we'll just hope one of the shop members can show us how to make it relate better.............stan

author comment

This one you can give to me for a write, I would love to have a go at it.
As your work is always excellent I would wend my way around your poem and stretch it a little lol, Take care and know we are on the same pathway, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I am trying to come up with a random way of assigning who rewrite each poem. But I appreciate the compliment and who knows, randomness does not preclude you getting this one...........stan

author comment

Then it's easy randomly pick Ian.T , or Yenti, or even that Sparrow guy I am sure they will really wreck your work lol.
I shall await your choice of one of those three, Yours, All of US

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

If anything could be picked on it would be this (knowing you deliberately wrote it under par).
It does not streeetch Stan.
As Jess mentioned there is a lot of the same poet in what you write. Since I love what you write, I don't have a problem in that, but this as much of your work does not challenge you to try different approaches; different feelings. There is such a thing as a "Stan poem". When I was a kid I foolishly loved Elvis movies. A big fan, I enjoyed everyone of them, but as I grew up it became more and more apparent that they followed a very specific format. Jerry Lewis did the same thing. All of those movies were a kick for me and even the worst had some fun to offer, but they were far too alike.
Even Bill Shakespeare fell into this trench. Granted he was trying to make a living and like Hollywood he "remade" what worked to sell tickets. However, you can break his plays into categories- the histories, the comedies, the romances, the tragedies.
Somebody needs to rattle Stan's cage and get him to write out of his comfort zone. It probably won't produce the same quality we are used to, but given time and trials... he might make something unexpected that can attain the level he enjoys with the tried and true.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Apparently your shit doesn't stink. Poetically speaking that is. I have read this poem forwards and backwards (literally, you should try it). Forwards and backwards I have an issue with flow in S4 and backwards does create a little slip in internal logic in S4, but not enough of one that couldn't be readily fixed in edit.

You wrote a poem to prove a point that imagery doesn't always equal immersion. When you set out to "disconnect" with us, which one of us did you have in mind?

Cognitive behavior is a relation between actions, thoughts and emotions. Actions cannot cause emotions. Thoughts do cause emotions based on past experience. When you provide imagery (action), you are provoking thought and thereby inherently run the risk of stirring emotion and immersing the reader. Again, different experiences for different people dictate that not all imagery will immerse a reader. Hence my question above about your intended audience. I easily inserted myself into this poem.

I also disagree with both you and Jess with regards to impact. You created the image of a man under a poplar tree. It is an image that stuck with me. Now every time I am near a poplar tree, I will have an opportunity to contract spring fever. Assuming that your definition of impact in this case is to influence, then consider me impacted.

Sorry to say that your experiment is a failure at failing.

Scott

Scott

If my shit doesn't stink I guess I need to check my breath lol. It is almost impossible to write a poem which doesn't make at least Some kind of connection if only on a superficial level. So I wrote making use of imagery only. That way whoever gets the edit chore can be certain which other method(s) they can add in to increase the immersion factor. You said you could picture somebody beneath that tree. If truly immersed you would picture Yourself in the shade. Appreciate your thoughts on this ..............stan

author comment

If a poem doesn't work, something stinks about it. Look at all your references to Robert Frost.
Think also of John Cooper Clarke, and TS Ellliot. You are promoting your own agenda as you do in other workshops when you suggest only rhyming poetry is memorable.

Actually metric poetry is far more effective as meaningfulful poetry. Rhyme is for kids.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

I make references to poets I am most familiar with. I haven't been reading nor studying poetry for 20-30 years so my familiarity is not as wide spread as others' might be. I think you might be mistaken by saying I have said only rhyming is memorable. I think it is easier to write metered rhyming poetry that is memorable than it is to write free form which is. But even then, it's only my opinion. And opinions affect all things in somebody's life. I am sorry if you think I am micro-managing in this shop. Such is not my intention. But I Am trying to keep things moving at a steady clip to keep folks from becoming bored.
"if a poem doesn;'t work something stinks about it".....are you expecting me to argue this point?..........stan

author comment

I do think though, that you have an agenda with rhyming poetry. I can only suggest you extend your reading.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

I already have been reading a good bit of different writers who write mainly free form. Like all forms some of it is good and some is crappy. I assume you are aware that Frost also wrote free verse? I shall go back over some f.v. I've read lately and post one (with due credit to author) which I find above average.

As to a rhyming agenda......there is a certain Aussie on site who almost always writes free verse and seldom rhyming lol. Let not the pot call the kettle black lmao.............stan

author comment
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