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SPRING EVENING 1963
I remember chasing fire flies
way back in my childhood days
beneath the star-strewn southern skies
then, still unmarred by urban haze
After supper in late spring
when the heat of day had gone
listening to the dryflies sing
we'd dart and dodge on the front lawn
Once caught I'd put them in a jar
twelve or fifteen, even more
as train whistles drifted from afar
and bull frogs croaked from near pond's shore
Bare feet on the cool green grass
magnolias tinting the thick air
and whiffs of pungent sassafrass
we'd run without a single care
Soft music playing in the night
from open windows all around
the King and Hank could do it right
in capturing that southern sound
The whippoorwills would then join in
with plaintive urgent endless song
sweet memories for later when
it seems too many things went wrong
But way back then in Tennessee
all seemed right to one young boy
who later set the fire flies free
in that past time of perfect joy
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
Did anybody miss me
Editing stage:
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Comments
judyanne
Mon, 2012-06-25 01:21
hey scribbles
‘then, still unmarred by urban haze’ (I don’t think you need the comma here)
stan – I love your themes, but the meter really still is so jerky in places, it spoils the great rhyme and text, along with the reader’s concentration and interest
stanza 5 is great
‘And MUS | ic PLAY | ing IN | the NIGHT
from OP |en WIND |ows ALL | a -ROUND
the KING | and HANK | could DO | it RIGHT
in CAPT |ur -ING |that SOUTH | ern SOUND’ - perfect tetrameter
but the others are all slightly off
eg
‘Then WHIP |poor – WILLS | would JOIN |RIGHT IN
with their |URG -ent |END -less |SONG
sweet MEM |or –IES | for LAT |er WHEN
it SEEMS | too MA | ny THINGS | went WRONG’
- just an example, see how lines 2 is missing a syllable?
scansion is slightly out – but would not be as noticeable if the syllable count was more to a form….
love judy
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Sun, 2012-06-24 17:19
hiya MM...meter maid
Now don't go taking offense as it's apparent Somebody needs to point out my rhythm miscues and you're far enough away to be safe in doing so lmao. Thanks for coming by and I'll keep nibbling away at this one to see if I can get it a bit closer to right..................stan
author commentIan.T
Sun, 2012-06-24 11:31
Stan
Wonderful words.. I know that what Judy says is correct but it is a lovely read.
I am of a time
when if things did rhyme.
Then all was well with the world.
Now they are so changed, we built Bridges of beautiful wood
Across the river that lasted a generation, now they want them of Cold steel
To last a thousand years, now I have run out of tears.
I will try to lift those steel girders
Write from others roots
Lay my quill down
I am out of time
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
scribbler
Sun, 2012-06-24 17:21
Hi Ian
Funny you should mention bridges as I'm working on another poem about them lol. Thanks for dropping by...........stan
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