Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Spring Escapes Again! ... [February Contest]

Squirrels and birds, laze in the trees
The skunk has dug holes in my lawn
I hear some crows scolding, see the cat freeze
In the hour just before dawn

My window's up, with a small screen
Frozen ground, is very brown bare
Ragged grass that's still so green
A faint mildew smell to the air

But, I know it won't last
A storm's brewing out west
It's heading here fast
This here's just a test

To see if I'm sick, sick of this cold
of seeing the sky looking like lead
Smelling the dirt, aroma of mold
Of sleet, snow and rain wetting my head

So hurry up Spring, come on let's go
Mix up some hues for my eyes
I'm so tired of slush and wet snow
Old Man Winter, please say your goodbyes!

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

nice poem; reminds me of the days when I lived in cold-country and had to snuggle up to my young bride to keep warm, day and night. But, that's not what I wanted to talk about: I noticed some discrepancies (syllable count) in your rhymed poem. Intentionally? If the irregular syllable count doesn't bother you, then it shouldn't bother me, for I've been known to sacrifice meter for the sake of clarity myself. Great theme for a contest. Here, in my world, the sky is blue, not grey, lol. Think Springtime. Jerry.

there are some unintended bobbles in my syllable count, so I will attempt to fix them. Some of the rhythm is supposed to vary, so as to make it more effective and not just a droning. Thanks for stopping by and letting me know you enjoyed. ~ Geezer.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

as a title describes the plot well enough Geezer, so that's okay.
Rhythm, and spacing may need I little attention, I think (on syllable count), eg. Stanza 2, L4, add one syllable, say, 'A mildew smell [within] the air'. Rhyming is good though.
The beginning introduces the poem very well (describes when and where narrator is speaking from).
The ending also closes the poem very well so overall quite good.

Best of luck with the February contest.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

you're right. I think I've fixed the little bobbles in the syllable count and the rhythm. Thanks for stopping by and giving me some good critique. ~ Geezer.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

amazing how mother nature can fool us.

Chrys

amazing how mother nature cn mess with our minds isn't it. Good write

Chrys

Hopefully we are over the worst of this nasty weather that we have been having. Ugh, I have a hard enough time getting around now, carrying my oxy bottle; the ice is terrible and I sure don't want to have another repeat of last year, when I fell with my elbow under my last rib and gave it a fracture. Took weeks to heal and was tender for months after. Thanks for the visit. Gee.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

Hello Geezer, I enjoyed this. I am with you on the need to feel some spring. It's terribly stormy where I am. I could almost smell that mildew you mention. I got a good sense of the abrasiveness winter can bring, just before the beautiful spring

Nicely done

All the best
LG

I'm glad that you enjoyed this one. Yes, I am so very tired of winter! The Great Northeast has plenty of it coming yet, so I will try to buck up as they say, and deal with it! Thanks for stopping by. ~ Geezer.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

love the winter but the rains this year are getting old..........like me lol

here in the Northeast, is not so good for those of us that don't deal well with cold rain, snow and ice. I really don't mind having a bit of snow, but I don't like the rain and the slippery slush that can make the walkways slick. I imagine that your winter doesn't last quite as long as ours does either, and I imagine that what you think is cold and what I think is cold is entirely different. ~ Gee.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.