Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Source of the Utmost(2)

I betrayed myself
In my younger days,
Opened myself to shame,
I betrayed myself
In my younger days,
Over and over again,

And there are times
That knowing what I did
Is too much for me to stand,
And there are times
That knowing what I did
Is a source of the utmost pain,

I betrayed myself
In my younger days,
Repeatedly wrecked my dreams,
I betrayed myself
In my younger days,
Over and over again.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
This is a second version with edits suggested by Geezer, and I think it works better now.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I hear you loud and clear, I have been inspired by your poetry and have written a poem today I believe it is one of my best so thank you.
tomorrow i will post it, I am fascinated by poetry that touches the inside of our beings i know of no one who doesn't live with regret in some way, but the words you choose to use make me feel very inspired. I like very much the raw side of your poetic heart it is palpable.

Thank you...Teddy

That you were inspired to write a poem due to my own, when you post it, please let know so I can read it. Yes, of course, everyone lives with regret, I use mine to reach for words, sentences, imagery, that would otherwise not come to me, and yes, they are very raw from the pain that provoked them, that is undeniable. Bye for now. Carl.

author comment

It sounds as if I have taken pleasure from your pain, in no way I promise you. however inspired poetry is a true compliment of course you know that. I too would like to say the rhyme here is powerful and also ask has it got a form and if so what is it called? I usually write free verse although I love Senryu sonnet and haiku.i have one sonnet was the hardest thing I ever wrote. I shall post my poem tomorrow with great pride.
Have a great Sunday Sir.

Thank you...Teddy

Not at all, truly, I hope these piece of mine produce some good, and if that includes pleasure, or inspiration, all the better, I am delighted in fact. I would classify it as free verse, although I'm not an expert on form, but have considered going deeper into that. If the rhyme is powerful, I am so pleased, I write from the heart and soul. All this goes someway towards making the pain if not worthwhile then not too far from it. Bye for now. Carl.

author comment

I enjoyed your sparkling rhyme. |The title is the key to the poem so it is very apt. Everything sparkles along until
"That knowing what I did
Is a source of the utmost pain"
as this redefines, and gives base to all verses before, and all after.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

I didn't know the rhyme was sparkling, but sounds great! Carl.

author comment

that it is accidental rhyme. I have been known to do that and it is not a bad thing. You can use a little trim here and there, but for the most part, it is a solid piece of work.
I will give you a couple of ideas about a few of the lines; you decide if they are worth changing.
.
1] 3d line-first stanza: And opened myself to shame, delete the [up] it only makes the line longer
you could even eliminate the [And]

2] 5th line-first stanza: [In] my younger days.

3] First line- second stanza: There are times.

4] You could delete the [the] in the last line of the second stanza

5] Again, replace [During] with [In].

~ Geezer.
.

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

I'll think about it, but I am really glad you think it's a solid piece of work, that means a lot. Carl.

author comment

Hi Carl, fine poem. I agree about trimming it a little, as I believe Geez has already said. Yes, I also write poetry to help me reconcile myself with painful memories. Lots of them, and lots of poems.
The title is fine and those internal rhymes may be accidental, but that's what gives musicality to FV.
I think some repetitions in your poem could be done away with, unless you've written it bearing in mind an eventual song, either by yourself (I don't know whether you sing) or by somebody else.
Today is the anniversay of one of my son's death by ALS, aged 29 years. I'll be posting a poem about him today, if I feel up to it.
All the best, Gracy

*
*
*
"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

Geezer's suggestions are v. good I agree, and will try them on today possibly, here or elsewhere. I was not aware of any internal rhymes, but if they are there, that is great. I am a singer and songwriter, but had not thought about this piece as a song, but may do yet. I am very sorry about your son, I will look out for your poem. Bye for now. Carl.

author comment

it is smoother. I ran right through it a couple of times and didn't stumble at all. I really don't deserve much creidt for what you did, you are the one to see that some suggestions could make it better and had the courage to change it just a bit. ~ Geezer.
.

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

I feel honoured by your suggestions, and they really do work, I tried them out for size and liked what I saw, 'during' was a little harsh, clumsy, and 'in' works better, in fact all the suggestions improve the piece and make it run smoother, and I will keep it as it is. Thanks again. Carl.

author comment

Yes, it does read a smoother

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

I am grateful to Geezer...

author comment

A great edit.

Thank you...Teddy

It surely is...

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.