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sonnet.

should I invoke the pleasant warmth you seek
while drenched in sunlit afternoon repose
that dusky moans replace that filth you speak
through patient flicks my lips and tongue impose

I wonder, would electric urges surge
while you are spread like frilly bedding lace
would you invite that naked oral urge
surrendering the secrets in your face

should I expose your want with flowery words
that you in turn, were taste upon my tongue
I wonder, would your dirty thoughts be heard
like selfish things you wished when you were young

Oh, kiss the sigh of broken silence, dear
so I can use the words you like to hear

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Just one thing. In the second line of the couplet, I would use "So I can" instead of "that I could": it would bring the moment into the present, make it a test to see if she responds to the words she likes to hear, and have more impact, I think.
Good stuff, though. Keep it coming.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Thanks. I'll try that.. Although it implies intent, it does what you suggested. I'm not a great fan of the word "so", and I am trying to wean myself off of it.

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment

I'm not too fond of it myself, but in this case, I think it lends itself to the power of the ending.
Good poem.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

I hate the cussed things (or at least the ones I attempt).Too often mine seem to be obviously counting syllables.

seem to be one of those forms where only practice will improve the writer's skill. I don't know if it's just that well developed or something else, though. I feel they are generally more tasteful when reserved for emotional musings also. At least to me.

But definitely, yeah. Not a trifling form.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment

LIMIT THESE to abab etc 14 lines only
being a free style poet
leave the choice to readers to read or skip out of thousands poems
composed sonnets
I could count on finger tips
But sonnets keep me in grips

Thanks for reading and commenting. It's always like a visit from royalty!

I'd really like to read one you've written.
My heart may be smitten!
(As in the poetic style of lovedly)

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment

In the moonlight I see your sparkling face
I recollect yours such a charming smile
Where can anyone love so tender ever trace
Except in your romance all my while

The candle light flickers tonight
All fire burns me out like a forest
But still I will keep it aright
When I think of you being so modest

Champagne we shall have so free
All will also enjoy some water of coconut
Candy will be served along with tea
For those who love to have salted peanut

Love and my heart shall rejoice
Tenderness and tears would be your choice

burns me out like a forest." This is a very effective line. Your sonnet is lovedly.

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment
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