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Somewhere in the Night

I only miss smoking cigarettes
every now and then;
A whimsical yearning
to let something go
when it’s beyond my control.
Silvery ribbons across skin,
rippled silk
somewhere in the moonlight…

To go with rum on the rocks,
a nostalgic burn beneath neon lights,
on the patio of my favourite bar.
July fireworks electrified the sky,
exploding
in your drunken eyes.
I don’t remember when we
started drinking straight
from the bottle.
Maybe it was 3 a.m.,
and we were laughing too hard
behind the veil of smoke.

And we were so damn sure
of ourselves then.
Scintillating dreams on an indigo sky,
wine stains on lace,
a cigarette between fingers,
contemplating all the ways
to leave this town.
But pulling the trigger
is so damn hard when you don’t know
where else in the world to go.

I heard someone say
“Well, you can go anywhere.”
That’s the problem.
For to drift like smoke outside the bar
like some vagrant runaway,
might enliven this wild heart,
make a gypsy blossom to life,
but where does she let it all go?
where does she
let all this go?

I can stand still
on a downtown street
but the night doesn’t feel the same,
and that old bar made its final last call
a summer or two ago.
Everything seems to end for good,
watching you with crestfallen eyes,
suffocated with settling.

Every now and then I’d like to
dance drunk down the street
at 4 a.m.,
dusted with drops of dawn.
Sometimes I’d even like to
light a cigarette only to taste
how it mixes with rum on your lips.
Maybe I’d even take a chance
on a new bar.
And maybe somewhere in the night
we’d find ourselves laughing too hard
behind a veil of smoke.

But where does the gypsy
let it all go?
Where do I
let all this go?

Last few words: 
Another piece on the list to go into a future poetry book. Any feedback appreciated!
Editing stage: 

Comments

more trimmed fabric less lace
experience when i cut out of town
lived the road.rouges run
hated it then
no money...picking butts from
butt times...town calling us down
I have put aside the alcohol for
today...how long i last is hard to
say....
cigarettes will lead to strokes heart
attack and i saw a few trucker friends
retire with shot lungs...tons of income
house paid...die within two years
scared...i remember one leaning
on me..starved of oxygen...
the fear of that open morality
stripped of his cab...his world
the pressing mortality
freedom...on the road wine women
and song to keep you going
stimulants etc...
guess the smokes drive many
at such a cost..

some find home moving like this
met another trucker the other day
hauling by hand his grub in bags
carried on of the heavier ones
for him chatting about the road
could see that gypsy wonderlust
in his eyes...he was toughing out
the freedom thing...the rooted
existance....
two heart attacks and seizures
like me...stripped his wheels
like me....
been settled in this town on and
off save the odd road trip here
and there for a month or more
at a time zooming across canada
and home..
i did leave..there was no destination
and like they say....i took myself
settling in no problem at all stations
i would suggest it if you have no
experience.....u either tough it out
and get cozier with your partner
on the trail or u break up
so stressful....lonely..harsh..
i found out who i was out there
put it that way....ripped out of
your comfort zone...complete
ha...but good memories too

i do like the romantic vagabond feel
to your writing
i pretened to imagine for years
and said when the time was there
lets do it...
now i write with the experience
the modern poetry i have
here....although much of it is in
fiction form...its reality from the
taste of that crazy times works...
cause i was there...

the people who chose to dig in
craft lives like me....they like the
smell of its wild wander on me
they can have it without the risk
of it....im their little holiday

excellent writing...
happy to see you here again

Mr Wolf!

Thanks Esker.

Relationships are tough. And it's tough to settle when all you've known is to run at the first sight of trouble. But this is a marriage and I married knowing it meant settling down. Sometimes it's difficult to cozy up in these walls...so torn between that girl who was so content on her own, so confident in travelling alone, so content with being alone in general. I was the girl who went on dates with herself, dinner and a good book while watching the hockey game. I sometimes miss that girl. I've found that in any long term relationship or marriage you definitely lose parts of yourself and I've found that I've lost a lot of myself. He has a degenerative connective tissue disorder and it's gotten bad. Osteo-arthritis in both knees and he was put off work last year. Definitely not the life I envisioned when I got married, taking care of him not even a year into our marriage but here we are. And that's hard. I guess I returned to Neo for some familiarity, a fragment of who I was then. Maybe some inspiration.

Thanks for reading.

~ Lavinia ~

"You could say I lost everything. But I still had my Bedazzler. I'm going to be a star. You know why? Because I have nothing left to lose." ~ Lady Gaga ~

author comment

I end up working for all my women to their ends...
i see em right off the hop for what it is...
by my gadfly ways needed the street cred
which i got..took years...but its there now
i was allowed to live at home with pocket money
use of cars.backing into my thirties
then...bam...living with women who were brilliant
cars....places..backing..
true....most challenging
and then they got settled and I moved on...
looking back now at what they got and who
they are...it never would have worked
..
and here i just took over most running
house cleaning...but my present woman
did not live life like this either
years ago.....mother was strict
but allowed allowances...a tight family
still...they love me...
and then raising two girls at seventeen
on living on her own at sixteen with the
rouges gallery of friends...
cooking...cleaning..and making time to
party and run her corners of where
she hung out getting respect and not
backing down...why i like her..not a push
over...the challenge!

now she has her place....first place of
her own all her life...her kid visits..my
kid comes up now and then....
my kid and my old lady love the same
things...heavy metal..tatoos...etc..
nice....my kid and i hit the local fifties
style resturant...total organized place
excellent...

i got a routine here...doesnt take much
and then i make time for me to do what
i need too....
and then i come back and work here...
pretty easy....takes all my coin but
hell...im not starving..i got a roof and
im not alone...

thank U

mr wolf

Settling is definitely difficult and when you're so used to being a vagabond, it just isn't in your blood and you're forever restless. At the same time, I love him and he needs me and that's the factor that makes me stay.

~ Lavinia ~

"You could say I lost everything. But I still had my Bedazzler. I'm going to be a star. You know why? Because I have nothing left to lose." ~ Lady Gaga ~

author comment

Very readable, enjoyable, the verses, like shapes in the whisps of smoke, give particles of grit to the romance.

Thanks!

~ Lavinia ~

"You could say I lost everything. But I still had my Bedazzler. I'm going to be a star. You know why? Because I have nothing left to lose." ~ Lady Gaga ~

author comment

Very much enjoyed this, and you remind me why I can't give up the filthy habit... all the things I would miss, although there aren't many places to enjoy it anymore. Think you delivered your message coherently and with well chosen language. Best wishes, Indie.

***************************************
Though I am fully female
I could have been a man
yet I was blessed with x and x
as this was good god’s plan

****************************************

Thanks, indie. It was a difficult habit to give up. Funny how we romanticize something that isn't remotely healthy for us. Every so often I cave and have one or two. Out at the bar is the hardest, because all my old drinking and karaoke buddies all smoke, so I buy a pack before going out (which isn't often at all anymore).

Thanks for reading!

~ Lavinia ~

"You could say I lost everything. But I still had my Bedazzler. I'm going to be a star. You know why? Because I have nothing left to lose." ~ Lady Gaga ~

author comment
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