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Something Precious Had to Fade

Dear one, what did you say?
A dining hall, a distant day,
It seems it was time
For goodbye,
Speaking of my eyes,
‘They shine so bright’,
Words said (or words of this kind),
If this was true and that they did,
Because of feelings that I hid,
I must have longed
For you to stay,
But I didn’t beg you, ‘please don’t leave!’
I must have seemed so cavalier,
And something precious had to fade.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

the theme. At least, I think I do. It portrays a scene, in which one person is ready to dissolve the relationship. You play it cool and resolve to "take it like a man" and not fight the obvious. Now, there may be the regret of losing something precious. I did find the mention of [speaking of my eyes] a little curious; as it seems to come from nowhere; just a way to introduce the thought of eyes that didn't betray your feelings? I would work on a little more subtle way to introduce the thought. ~ Geezer.
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Yes, that's about it more or less, it was originally a song, so I had to fit things in as I'd not normally do, so it only just about passes muster. Not sure about it.

author comment

The protagonist is wearing a mask of indifference, notwithstanding the eyes, shining bright, and so betraying the painful love being lost before his eyes, but there is also, as you say, shyness, inhibition, pride. The dining hall is a college dining hall. No, you are not at all wrong.

author comment
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