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Someday This Gonna' make Sense
after a busy day, i broke free by the riverside..
watching the lilies taken by the flow,
to the far diverging end form my sight,
a tiny sight i'm a fool to know..
my eyes flew back to that rare-taken.. highway,
where a mobile came to pass then and now gone
how may ways are there along the way?
to realize my goliath dream to be her one..
will she ever dare to catch me down?
or will always see me as a bitter clown?
will be chilled up by the sense of doubt,
nah, i wish i would never fall off the ground..
whenever i wake up from my toxic cloud,
your memories always hang around,
it takes me to a world of a crazy round,
felt down caught by a romantic fraud...
i tried to take a step away from this vision,
but always brought back by her magic cohesion
and dropped me down to this realization:
"love is a journey and not a destination.."
pastels and crayons can't simply add colors
to this complicated world so full of errors,
there came the girl who lifted me up from failures,
a piece of mystery and blessing sent by Eros..
sometimes i used to pay for her passenger fare,
but she always see it casually and shows little care..
friends urged me to give up my angel bear,
hell..what if my rival got the lion's share?
i wish i would find and use the perfect bait
so that i would have you before 2012,
while the formula of love is like length times width,
i wish yours is not like love plus hate...
down the next scene came my emo friend,
and asked,"you will hold on until when?
tooth for a tooth is not a constant trend,
chances can just be four to five out of ten..
everything was a jigsaw puzzle lying on the bed
like an undeciphered alphabet i can hardly read,
with me, your eyes would never turn to red,
much more your heart will never bleed..
i found myself standing against a wall,
one more thought of you and i lose control,
shaping the dates to show them all..
where i'll do anything for you - dance and even crawl..
though i try to smile amidst the pains,
a bitter sunlight to a leaf as it rains,
though you were for somebody else,
i know someday this gonna' make some sense
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Comments
Race_9togo
Tue, 2010-11-09 13:23
whitescatter
I like the title - it's odd, and piqued my interest in the piece.
your language use is generally good, but I think that there are too many articles and conjunctions, I think that you should edit this mercilessly, and eliminate as many "the"s and "and"s as possible.
For example
"after a busy day, i broke free by the riverside..
watching the lilies taken by the flow,
to the far diverging end form my sight,
a tiny sight i'm a fool to know.."
"after busy day I broke free by tired riverside
watching lilies taken free by river's flow
to far divergent end of view,
a tiny sight i'm a fool to know."
Just an example - your own edit would be completely different.
The cadence of the poem is very good, and I find that the partial and occassional rhymes lend the piece more focus and impact as well.
The rhythm does get a little choppy in places, but again, I think a ruthless edit would probably take care of that.
I like the theme, and the beginning and ending are both good.
Hope this helps.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
Ian.T
Tue, 2014-12-30 04:26
White Scatter
This seems to be more of a RAP than a poem, and I agree with Jim that it needs a good edit and some of the debris removed.
Have a go and as this one has good bones we will see what the end product can be, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..