Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Solitude

Quiet in the darkness of the forest
Evening - golden mare - tells her story.
Shadows scattered, moon invited over.
Crimson leaves like tired vagrants
Lying on the forest floor and snoring.

I am sitting by the fire listening to music.
Music of the melting in the kettle snow,
Music of the burning days and crackling
Joints of skinny trunks and branches.

Happy solitude of dreaming...

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

This is exquisite stuff IRiz. You have a poetic eye of looking at things differently.
................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thank you for liking my trochaic pentameter.
It is good for story telling.

IRiz

author comment

Nice imagery especially with music being brought in with the picture. Nice job!

trekker

Yes, thank you for reading! I was thinking how sounds sometimes became more than noise in the quiet forest.

IRiz

author comment

"Quiet in the darkness of the forest", very vivid illustrations you have a warm soul.
A romantic aura intact with your writings.
The piece make you really think outside the box.
Really good words you have created keep it together.
Thank you for the opportunity to read good stuff.

Mario Vitale

What can be better than
a warm comment
on a cold day of belated spring?
Thank you, dear Mario.

IRiz

author comment

but I'm there in spirit.

No crit.

cheers,
Jess
Two great new workshops!
'Basic and Essential Meter' https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/basic-and-essential-meter
and
'UNFINISHED WORKS' help with that one you're stuck on, https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/unfinished-works

But does it fit the trochaic pentameter to your eyes and ears? Joking apart, it is important to know because my accent sometimes destroys the meter.

IRiz

author comment

I didn't spot it because the foot count varied a lot-

Code: T=Trochaic ~=Caesura C=Catalexis (broken foot) [x= feet per line]

Quiet/ in the/ darkness/ of the/ forest  [Tx5 feet]
Evening/ - golden/ mare ~ - tells her/ story.  [tx5 feet with Caesura]
Shadows/ scattered/, moon in/vited/ over.  [Tx5 feet]
Crimson/ leaves like/ tired/ vagrants  [Tx4 feet]
Lying/ on the/ forest/ floor and/ snoring.  [Tx5 feet]

I am/ sitting/ by the/ fire/ listen/ing to/ music.  [Tx7 feet]
Music/ of the/ melting/ in the/ kettle/ snow,  [Tx6 feet with  Catalexis]
Music/ of the/ burning/ days and/ crackling  [Tx5 feet]
Joints of/ skinny/ trunks and/ branches.  [Tx4 feet]

Happy/ soli/tude of/ dreaming...  [Tx4 feet]

 

OK, all Trochaic, bar the Cataleptic Caesura and Catallexis

5 of 10 lines Pentameter, not so good.

 

You can see parsing is time consuming, that's why I'm begging for anyone who knows how to do it to help me with this workshop.

cheers,
Jess
Two great new workshops!
'Basic and Essential Meter' https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/basic-and-essential-meter
and
'UNFINISHED WORKS' help with that one you're stuck on, https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/unfinished-works

Oh Jesus, what a mess. it is tough. Thank you.
I prononce mare as a to syllabi word, may I?
Or nobody does that?

IRiz

author comment

Mare is fine as 2 syllables. It is much easier than trying to teach Southern States Americans where the stresses are!

Evening/ - golden/ mare/  - tells her/ story.  [tx5 feet with 2 Caesura, no Catalapesis]

cheers,
Jess
Two great new workshops!
'Basic and Essential Meter' https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/basic-and-essential-meter
and
'UNFINISHED WORKS' help with that one you're stuck on, https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/unfinished-works

and the line is a trochaic pentameter? I don't count hyphen as a syllabus, should I?

IRiz

author comment

it is pentameter.

cheers,
Jess
Two great new workshops!
'Basic and Essential Meter' https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/basic-and-essential-meter
and
'UNFINISHED WORKS' help with that one you're stuck on, https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/unfinished-works

I really like the first stanza a lot and all the images, especially of the snoring leaves and the setting.

I like the second but would consider that it is the sounds of those things which create a "music", rather than immediately defining them as music.

I do not prefer the last line as it tells me what i think the poem evokes, and seems to be there to confirm it to the reader. I also am not a fan of most poems which end with "...", including my own,
but that is just a personal thing.

I cannot help with Jess' take on syllables. He is way above my knowledge on that!

;;

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Dear Eumolpus,
thank you for your comments. I actually agree with you that the last line is excessive.
Without it the poem feels unfinished and would be a great contribution to the other workshop. (kidding)
Have a nice week.

IRiz

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.