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Soliloquies of a Demented Mind (Epilogue)

I'm in a fix:
My mind's rocking back and forth like the obverse of a clock's pendullum,
In reverse simple harmonic motion, anti-clockwise as I try in vain to curtail these torrid emotion,
This quicksand I'm sinking in,
I'm caught in a permanent paroxysm/ Enmeshed in a maelstrom of a vortex trying to suck me in,
Like a fisherman winding his rod backwards my mind is reeling,
I look foward to the future propheticaly;
while simultaneously I flashback into my past retrospectively,
I've been here before this is de ja vu,
You do not love me but still I love u,
Love has always been a poisoned chalice; an austere experience for me,
No matter how much or how hard I supplicate to Venus,
I guess when it comes to affections I am no genius,
Unreciprocated loves the most painful punishment the worst form of torture,
An end to all meriment for these unreflected overtures I nuture,
Cupid's arrow riddles my body,
I've been struck so much I wonder why I'm still breathing?
You leave me breathless...
My Faery Queen,
For you I am dying,
I am thine.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This poem is the first in the series "soliloquies of a Demented Mind" (although I title it the epilogue I.e ending) but the poetvb has had his broken so many times and the cycle repeats it'self ceaselessly that the persona goes crazy, so his end is the beginning. The series is a five act 3 scene poem.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I really enjoyed this. The complex word choices and complex rhyme scheme keep a reader on their toes. I also think your imagery was refreshing even when you used common images associated with love, such as "I supplicate to Venus" and "Cupid's arrows riddles my body"

If I may, I have a few suggestions:

I would recommend shortening some of the longer lines by dividing them into two lines for easier readability. For the same reason, I would suggest omitting the forward slashes (/). Those are great when transcribing songs and poetry where you can't have a line break, but they are redundant otherwise. Another idea you might consider: try breaking the poem into two stanzas at "So save me:" so that your first and second stanza begin in a parallel way. Lastly, there are a few small grammar mistakes you might decide to revise:

Line 9: u --> you (this may be a stylistic choice, but your use is inconsistent, sometimes you wrote "u" and sometimes you wrote "you"

Line 15: arrows riddles --> arrows riddle (subject-verb agreement)

Line 27 and 43: coz --> because or 'cause (again, consistency)

Line 47: ther's --> there's

I hope these suggestions are helpful to you and I look forward to reading more of your work.

Critique, don't comment.
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www.lettereddandy.xyz

thank you very much, i will do just that.

author comment

Try this"

I'm in a fix:
My mind's rocking back and forth like the obverse of a clock's pendullum
In reverse simple harmonic motion
anti-clockwise as I try in vain to curtail these torrid emotion
This quicksand I'm sinking in
I'm caught in a permanent paroxysm
Enmeshed in a maelstrom of a vortex trying to suck me in
Like a fisherman winding his rod backwards my mind is reeling
I look forward to the future prophetically; while simultaneously I flashback into my past retrospective'

I've been here before this is de ja vu
You do not love me but still I love u
Love has always been a poisoned chalice; an austere experience for me,
No matter how much or how hard I supplicate to Venus
I guess when it comes to affections I am no genius
Unreciprocated loves the most painful punishment the worst form of torture
An end to all merriment for these unreflected overtures I nurture
Cupid's arrows riddles my body,
I've been struck so much I wonder why I'm still breathing?
You leave me breathless...My Faery Queen

For you I am dying
I am thine
I do not want to worm my way into your affections; neither do I want to inveigle myself to your heart
So I chase after you onerously
But even if I win your love it would be a pyrrhic victory because I would have lost so much energy
And that's the worst part

And this poem is a message in a bottle cast atop the deep blue
I hope it reaches you; I hope it finds you
I hope it floats on your blood through veins and arteries and ventricles to your heart
I'm thinking of all the felicitous things I could say to make you mine
Coz this is Agape a love so divine
And I'm not speaking to this songs beat
I'm speaking to a heartbeat my heart beat
These emotions are true no histrionics or cloying or affectations
But without hesitation
You say I'm just a friend
Which makes me melancholic as I paint the sky with sighs,

Because I wanna be more than "eh he's just a friend"
I've been here before this is de ja vu
You do not love me but still I love you
Violets are blue;
And roses are red [fuck this cliche off]
From this point onwards I'm going 2 spit off the top of my dome straight from my head
Understand that without your love I'm worse off than dead
I'm a walking corpse
a walking corpse
So save me:
Save me from myself coz I am dwelling in a pit,
Wallowing in agony and mysery; and the only company I have is solitary
So there's no one to comfort me
Without your love I'm lost
Ther's no love lost
But without your love I'm lost
There's no love lost.

Just a suggestion.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

When a reader sees a "wall of words" they end to scan rather than read. That is the way poetry works, through verse and meter, as opposed to prose.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Well, thank you both for your critique, i'll look into it and see how to make the poem clearerer.

author comment

You do not love me
but still I love u

and

I look foward to the future
propheticaly;
while simultaneously
I flashback into my past
retrospectively,

I always suggest to greater poets humbly
limit your lines from 10 to14 max 19
else it is prose
not perfumed like a rose.

your poetry is a real reflection of one born on a 4th or Gemini
covers both aspects back and forth and opposites

I have become a fan of yours friend
hope you too will accept
amen
freestyle guy

Thank you sir lovedly, I am grateful for your advise n the encouraging words.

author comment

I was actually born on the 27th of October. And thank you I accept your friendship.

author comment
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