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SOLDIER'S REST
A careful grid of purest white
laid out upon a field of green
white rows trailing out of sight
all the lines are crisp and clean
Above, the clouds pass as they do
meadow larks sing out their song
before they flush toward skies of blue
a mild commotion that seems wrong
For on this consecrated ground
brave men who have earned their rest
lie undisturbed by any sound
men who died doing their best
So when you visit this calm meadow
speak in only quiet tones
as you stand among the crosses' shadows
lest you disturb these precious bones
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
judyanne
Wed, 2012-04-04 13:37
beautiful write stan
but a little rough re the line lengths, thus the rhythm
A careful grid of purest white
laid out upon a field of green - two lines of perfect iambic tetrameter
white rows trailing out of sight - maybe begin with a 'with'
all the lines are crisp and clean - maybe - and all the lines so crisp and clean
Above, the clouds pass as they do - iambic tetrameter
meadow larks sing out their song - maybe an 'and' at the beginning
before they flush toward skies of blue - maybe just 'to' instead of 'towards'
a mild commotion that seems wrong - again perfect iambic tetrameter
For on this consecrated ground
lie brave men who have earned their rest - another two lines of perfect iambic tetrameter
undisturbed by any sound - maybe begin with 'they're
men who died doing their best - start with 'these' - but i don't know what to suggest to avoid 'DIED DOing'
So when you visit this calm meadow
speak in only quiet tones - you get away with 7 sllables here as the previous line is femine and therefore the rhythm isn't altered
as you stand beside the cross shaped shadows- 'while standing by the cross-shaped shadows'
lest you disturb these prescious bones - (precious)
there i go again - lol - just tell me to stop and i'll try :)
love and hugs
judy xx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Wed, 2012-04-04 17:08
hi Judy
I guess I spelled precious as if it were gollum spelling "his Presssssious " lol. I am aware the meter is off a good bit in this but have you tried reading it aloud ? If it still trips you then holler back at me.............stan
author commentjudyanne
Wed, 2012-04-04 22:25
lol stan
i read all poetry aloud always
that's the only way to do it
xxxx
so yes - it still trips me up ... but it is your write, and as i said beautifully done
- just me with my need for rhythm :)
love
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Wed, 2012-04-04 22:58
Hmmm.........
E it woould seem mah acceeunt mahgt be trippin' me up lol...........try it now.........stan
author commentjudyanne
Wed, 2012-04-04 23:13
lol - accents - they are a bane
i still find it a little jerky
but i think i have made you lose some lovely images with my interference ...
- 'cross-shaped shadows' is one
and i have caused you to lose some good iambic
eg from
'For on this consecrated ground
lie brave men who have earned their rest'
to
'For on this consecrated ground
brave men who have earned their rest'
so i'll stop. xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
loved
Thu, 2012-04-05 00:11
I recall my visit to the far East ...Kohima..some while ago.
I recall my visit to the far East ...Kohima..some while ago.
There on a wall of the tomb of young soldiers,
barely out of their teens,
silently resting a mark
says
‘‘When you go home tell them of us
for their tomorrow we gave our today.''
how befitting is your verse
in solitude
silence it does display
calms the nerves of ones
which were unnerved
loved
scribbler
Thu, 2012-04-05 07:58
Hi loved
Far too often is the case where the majority of people have forgotten those to whom they owe their freedom. Thanks for sharing your experience........stan
author commentloved
Thu, 2012-04-05 11:17
You are welcome
You are welcome
as we both share
the generosity gene
given to us,
by the animal kingdom
that battle was
the battle of the
Tennis Court
If I recall correctly.
Have a great day
as we remember souls
solidified
in the memory of mankind....
loved
Ian.T
Thu, 2012-04-05 11:34
Stan
They stand at my marker to say I was there.
I am not there I am with them always
That they take me to visit such a lonely place.
Will they not sit still and know that I am there.
The rows and rows of cold stone show the world
It was us that lay there so that they could stand
Let me be as I wish to be, take me home
With thee let me roam the fields I knew
Not this land that I made free they know not ME,
As you can see I am not a fan of these places but I can without them, remember what they did for me, Yours Ian.
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
scribbler
Thu, 2012-04-05 13:25
hi Ian
I almost never visit any type graveyard. For the bodies may be resting there but , hopefully, the souls are at happier places..................stan
author commentloved
Thu, 2012-04-05 15:06
Mind body and soul
Mind
is used up/consumed
ere the
body
is buried or exhumed
and the
soul
is invisible
as much as are
I and you...
Period.
loved