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Snakes

As I stand at the bottom and stare up above
I feel time staining my weary face
I step slowly onto rung one
Then I slip; back down to none

As I stare from the bottom and look up above
I sense that maybe here is my place
I step avoiding rung one
Step two breaks; back to none

Each throw of the dice in the game of life
Is like snakes and ladders with only Vipers and Adders
With serpents and steps; the game of life with regrets
Can’t avoid the snakes; every move, more mistakes

I step back and stare up into the darkest gloom
I feel time draining my inner spark
I jump up at the third rung
Another fall; I’m almost done

I stare up and peer into my everlasting doom
I sense that maybe I’ve lost this game
This game; I should’ve never begun
I hit the ground; finally undone

I ascend only to descend
But I carry on until the bitter end
As the lowest common denominator
I’m condemned
The end of days arrive
Only the strongest survive
I’m weak
I’m no longer alive
Unless I can reach rung five!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

you are one of the strongest people I know of. you have a spirit of fire! I know you will not only make it to rung #5, you will make it to the top. it is your destiny and no one can keep you down! it ain't over til its over, baby!!!

*love, Sis

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

…I was having a serious conversation with a fellow Neopoet member & afterwards; I wrote this poem about Neopoet & where it finds itself. It’s not intended to be harmful just a real look in the mirror & see the issues with surviving.

It has nothing to do with me on a personal level. I get inspiration, I write.

Regards

One.

.
"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"

author comment

if you are banned... then I walk with you!!!

*hugs, Sis

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

the chance that you will grow taller! Standing up straight and jumping is one way to get to rung five. Anyway, I hear the desperation and see the smoldering fire that can explode in this piece. All is not lost, find something new in yourself, I listen to music that gives me a boost. It can be anything, that fires the imagination. This last time that Killer was in a slump, I found inspiration in the Blues! Who'd thought that the blues...? Snakes seem low, but they manage to climb trees! I'm counting on you to find your way. This piece is a start, it made me feel; isn't that why we write, hoping to make others feel us? ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

I guess the problem when critiquing is knowing when the poem is personal or just a theme. This is a theme that has no personal connection to my well-being.

I think I prefer critique about the way the poem is written rather than conversation about the personal theme which in this case doesn’t relate. Tackling the personal issues within a poem needs to be more subtle as otherwise offence can be caused. I know Cat is very good at critique & dealing with the specific personal issues via PM. She really is the shining star of Neo.

Anyway as I said, this isn’t a personal piece, I’m totally detached from it.

Regards

One.

.
"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"

author comment

I should be more careful, no offense meant, and I totally agree with your assessment of Cats abilities. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

you can't offend me my friend. We know each other well enough to be able to say things that others may be offended by but not us.

Apology not needed but accepted anyway.

cheers

One.

.
"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"

author comment

HIs style of writing [I consider him a great poet as well as a great bass player and and band leader] is similar to yours. this piece is very strong!

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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.
"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"

author comment

I forgot to name my favorite lines above...so here they are:

Each throw of the dice in the game of life
Is like snakes and ladders with only Vipers and Adders
With serpents and steps; the game of life with regrets
Can’t avoid the snakes; every move, more mistakes

*love & hugs, Sis

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

thanks Sis.

Regards

One.

.
"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"

author comment
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