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smoke rings in the dark
I swear
I didn't light it to watch you burn
I long to watch the smoke rise
up from your bottom lip
and gather round your eyes
Moving like the frantic still shot
of our empty sheets
If only someone would push play
What tempest would undo
our stale mate hearts...
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Sparrow 42
Sun, 2020-04-19 03:54
MrsEmarie
Very subtle, Picked the wrong moment in time spent together.
Were you in the wrong street,
There are many streets in this world
Many are teeming with life.
Should you wait.
No hurry catch the next bus .
I liked the write, had to read it a few times.
Yours Ian T
Words can build a nation
MrsEmarie
Mon, 2020-04-20 08:16
It only takes a spark to burn the whole heart down...
Yes Ian, it is a snapshot...a still frame of tragic beauty in my life...
I am struggling with the flow of it. Obviously, there are so many words and emotions to evoke here. Still a work in progress. Thank you for your time! :)
-Emarie
- Emarie ~ theladyblue
author commenttyro
Sun, 2020-04-19 09:45
I like the poem, but
I like the poem, but admittedly I could not it all the way through. These were my favorite lines and especially liked 'stale mate'
If only someone would push play
What tempest would undo
our stale mate hearts...
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
MrsEmarie
Mon, 2020-04-20 08:18
Stutter
T-
I feel as if these lines are lacking too much context to be as powerful as they are in my mind. Still a work in progress. Thank you for your feedback!
-Emarie
- Emarie ~ theladyblue
author commentGeezer
Sun, 2020-04-19 21:30
The only part...
of the poem that I am sure of is: If only someone would push play
.What tempest would undo
. Our stalemate hearts?
If one of us could get the music playing again; maybe we could discover the storm that would get us past the thing holding us back? I like your title. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
MrsEmarie
Mon, 2020-04-20 08:24
a change is'a comin'
As I move down these comments and respond to the questions...I feel the changes coming. Sometimes all we need is to explain to find the hidden truths...please revisit after sometime and let me know what you think of the changes. Thank you for your feedback!
-Emarie
- Emarie ~ theladyblue
author commentGeezer
Mon, 2020-04-20 12:51
That's the plan...
It is what we are here for, to help you as a writer and if anything I have said, is a help, I am more than happy. I will come back to this again. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.