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From A Slice Of Bread

Submitted by alidzain on Fri, 2016-06-03 18:27

A slice of bread
that I split and shared,
fills me with delight
for I gained a new friend
when offered
as a gift
from the heart.

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - draft

Comments

Rula

Sat, 2016-06-04 12:46

Few understand

The delight of sharing things with others. I believe you really do and it shows well through your words brother.
Simple but v. true!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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alidzain

Sat, 2016-06-04 14:52

Salam, Rula

Thanks for the visit, the read and the comment.

Alid

author comment

brittle light

Sat, 2016-06-04 16:46

Hi, Alid

a slice of bread,
split and shared,
filled me with delight,
as I gained a new friend

I couldn't help myself...the idea of the poem grabbed me.
but it felt it a little wordy,
you shared, and were delighted...why did it have to be 'turned' into a gift of the heart...it already was

I hope I haven't disrespected any boundaries by re-writing YOUR poem.
I thought it easier this way than trying to explain how I saw it.

these are, obviously just suggestions, for your contemplation.

sincerely,

alidzain

Sun, 2016-06-05 11:37

Good critic. I don't feel disrespected.
The reason why I put that verse is because not everyone give from the heart or should I say sincerely. Some people they wanted recognition in return. I've met with this type of people before.and they keep thinking they give so much and get little in return. These people help others but they are NOT happy people, I tell ya. lol.

Thanks for the read and critic. I'll think about it.

Alid

author comment

brittle light

Sun, 2016-06-05 15:38

then, how about "when

then, how about "when 'offered' as a gift from the heart"
You know best how to write and edit your poems.
I'll still love this piece whatever you decide to do

alidzain

Sun, 2016-06-05 15:35