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Sleepless In Singapore

Lying restlessly on my bed,
the entangled thoughts in my head
is the dragon I can't seem to slay.
Its holding my beauty sleep at bay.

The hours are leaving me behind
I'm tired but peace eludes my mind
so I drag my feet to the balcony,
seeking peace from this night's scenery

As a gentle breeze teases my hair,
I raise my chin, enjoying the cool air.
The mistress moon and clustered stars
set me thinking of friends afar.

There's Jayne who has been ill of late,
Ian who has been a kind mate,
Rula, the sister I respected
and many others I have treasured

I think of foreign lands, deprived of peace
where children are orphaned by beasts.
They struggled to survive in the ruins.
Compared to their trouble, mine is nothing.
Thus my heart is filled with chagrin

Here I am, bemoaning sleeplessness
when out there, there's a river of sad tears.
In a city unlike mine, ravaged by warmongers,
the villains spread their reign of fear.

Time passes by quickly and the night sky unravels.
The moon and her escorts retreated from my world
as the tinge of gold marks the sun's return
to his glorious throne in the face of heaven.

Sighing, I stretched my arms and legs,
wishing I don't have to be awake
but my responsibilities await me
and I'm not one to abandon my duty.

I have been robbed of my sleep again
but at least I have regained
a reason to keep on smiling
and let my heart sing.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I liked this piece which creates a good image of insomnia and accompanied restlessness, when thoughts roam the empty streets with unease..but slowly transition to the glow of the rising sun..the only thing which distracted me was the rain..which does not gel with the moon and cluster of stars (bright ideas)...i could guess that by rain (tears) you may have meant overwhelming which is fine..but to keep in context of the scenario just change those lines and it would work even better is my opinion...

well done friend...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

You are right. I know something is off but just can't pinpoint it. I've changed "rain" to "river" and I think it works better.

Alid

author comment

Good change Alid. I think this works better...what do you think?

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I think it sounds better.

Alid

author comment

Nice poetry with a very pertinent story, just two suggestions if i may. Verse two line four, try (seeking peace from this night's scenery). And verse three line one. try( as a gentle breeze teases my hair ). Small changes but they may make sense. Still a very nice poem. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

for the visit and the suggestions, Done the edit.

Alid

author comment

I really liked the first three stanzas and their flow, but you lost me in the last three. the flow changed and the language was not as polished. I also feel like you rushed the last stanza.

I do believe this poem has great potential and is worth the time.

Thanks

Scott

First of all, thanks for the visit and the feedback. What would you suggest to even out the flow?

Alid

author comment

It needs a little tightening, but the imagery and emotion in this come through well.

Verse 3, lines 3 and 4:

"the mistress moon and a cluster of stars
set me thinking of friends from afar"

Perhaps something like

"the mistress moon and clustered stars
set me thinking of friends afar"

The meaning is the same, the imagery is still good, but the cadence is tighter, smoother and more fluid.

Verse 4 line 1 is too long, it causes a pause and stutter as I read it.

"Here I am, complaining about sleeplessness"

Try "Here I am, bemoaning sleeplessness"

Or something similar.

I'd forgotten how much I enjoy your poetry, my friend.

Keep writing

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

I must have Digit buy a ticket to drop by your City he needs a rest from the easy life/death in the USA, I shall see what I can do.
But keep writing as you do it is good and full of feeling.
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

for the visit and the encouragement. will be waiting for Digit to make an entrance.

Alid

author comment
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