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Sing To My Heart...

Submitted by Geezer on Wed, 2022-04-27 15:31

Filthy backstreet alleys
filled with trash and dirt
He wanders without purpose
his heart heavy with its hurt

She left him torn and broken
threw him to the side
Now, he stumbles through today
he needs a place to hide

He hears a low voice singing
stops to listen at the door
Through a crack in the doorjamb
he sees her mopping floors

He recognizes lonely
when he hears it sung
Hears the sadness singing
trapped there on her tongue

He can't keep himself from crying
His voice steps up and sings
She listens for a moment
then her heart grows wings

Their voices twine together
making music cry
He can't believe in the magic
there are teardrops in her eyes

She drops her mop and trembles
filled with the old pain
He leaves before she looks for him
silent once again

Every day he goes to sing with her
at the sadness place
He knows that she can't love him
and he must leave no trace

He lost the battle for love once
after the accident
She ceased to look at him that way
he was scarred and bent

Now, he can't take the chance
this one will leave him too
But this singer only hears his beauty
sings, "I'm in love with you"

He told her that she mustn't
he was ugly as sin
she told him she was blind
and his songs had helped him win

She said his face didn't matter
he said, he felt that he was stealing
She touched him and his body
and his heart was filled with healing

Now, they sing together every day
she walks with confidence again
He holds her hand and her heart
and she takes away his pain

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
This started out much different, but as it progressed, I went back and changed things I didn't like, and it became this.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Candlewitch

Wed, 2022-04-27 16:20

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S5 L1: He can't help himself from crying (instead of "help" maybe use the word: "keep"?)really good title. excellent flow, very smooth. my favorite lines are:

Now, they sing together everyday
she walks with confidence again
He holds her hand and her heart
and she takes away his pain

*hugs, Cat

p.s.
it is great to see this side of you!

*
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Geezer

Wed, 2022-04-27 17:49

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I like your word better, thank you. This is a side of me, that begs to be let out now and then. Killer and Sir Gee, keep him chained up in the dungeon most of the time. Yes, Sir Gee has his dark side too! I find that it really helps to listen to music while I work. It doesn't always happen and sometimes it takes a while for the mood to set in, but I find it very useful!
[The boys are hiding from your praise of their kin.] Big hugs, Geez.
.

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Ray Whitaker

Sat, 2022-04-30 10:52

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what a great piece. rhythm, rhyme, meaning... wow!

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Geezer

Sat, 2022-04-30 14:36

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I really enjoyed writing this one, as I said to another, it started very different and morphed into this! Sometimes, a piece gets away from me, and goes off on its' own. I'm glad that I let this one have its' head. ~ Geez.
.

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Candlewitch

Thu, 2022-05-12 08:15

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She said his face didn't matter
he told her felt that he was stealing
She touched him and his body
and his heart was filled with healing

the second line feels off.

I noticed on this reading, that this reminds me of "Phantom of the Opera" the film that listed (Gerard Butler) his voice and passion are fantastic!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Geezer

Tue, 2022-12-20 13:59

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I've noticed too and am working on it. I think I've got it now! ~ Geez.
.

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lovedly

Tue, 2022-12-20 12:05

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everyday
could be spliced
I feel.

I posted a western poem
you have yet to see
don't be displeased

Geezer

Tue, 2022-12-20 14:00

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you are right! ~ Geez.
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Geezer

Tue, 2022-12-20 14:19

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filthy backstreet alleys
filled with trash and dirt

filthy - mucky, muddy, to an extreme and often disgusting extent.

trash - discarded matter; refuse, garbage, debris

dirt - grime, dust, soot, soil, etc. A state or quality of uncleanliness.

Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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author comment

Geezer

Thu, 2023-02-09 18:19

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that you care enough to make a comment. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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Seren

Thu, 2023-02-09 09:34

Seren's picture

What a plaintive write. It sings to the lonely hearts drawing them into your lovers lullaby. God this is really beautiful.

I love that ending I think it's nice to once in a while, for the lonely, the sad and the ugly of life to get their happy ending.

This is a beautiful story sung from the soul.

Bravo

Love and higgliest bugs Sis xox

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

Geezer

Thu, 2023-02-09 09:55

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This was one of those that I wrote while listening to some "Blues" music. I was writing to music and it started out much different than the way that it wound up. I'm glad that you liked it and felt strongly enough to comment on it. It makes me feel good that people can read some of my work long after it is displayed on the stream and wish to let me know how it affected them. Thanks Sis, love and higgest bugs, ~ Geez.
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Abby

Thu, 2023-02-09 10:08

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I really loved reading this. I felt like I was walking with this man through alleyways and crying with him too. For a moment, his heartache was my heartache. His conflict, mine. What a journey.

"To fly is to fall."

Geezer

Thu, 2023-02-09 13:23

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I am glad you enjoyed this one, it was a tale born of part experience, [the alleys of New Orleans], my love for the blues, and
a story about a blind girl who had the voice of an angel. I put them all together and... Thanks for the read and comments.
~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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