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The Similar Twins

Submitted by Marthalyn on Wed, 2019-08-28 07:06 First title The Wannabe Twins

Not all emotions
are worth human devotion
to their loathsome demands.
At least two that I know
should be the first to go.

They are the Similar Twins
that crawl under the skin
and creep along their way
to steal the hope and stop
the growth of a life they’ve
made wretchedly loathed.

Those the Twins want the most
are the outcasts, perverse, and insane
who believe in their self-hate
sourced from an internalized,
socialized view with the effect
of emotional pain.

If you are one the Twins can claim,
they will hinge on your behavior.
They will hide their names
buried within the frames of those
who cannot explain, why themselves
they blame.

There is no defense against them
until one can see their game,
and let self-love with awareness
replace the mess they’ve made.

Then the Twins will know
that it is time to go
but first, disclose their names.
Before we take our leave, we pray,
let us introduce ourselves,
our names are guilt and shame.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I love the poem especially the way it flowed. I might not be your best critique as I'm still learning how to write myself. But I really enjoyed this...

Hommies

I'm glad that you enjoyed my poem and thank you for taking the time to read it and leave your comment.

Respectfully,

~ Marthalyn

author comment

I like the idea of a poem that wants to make a point. In this write you seem to be on the verge of making it and then you transform it into a puzzle. You never identify those emotions and why are they twins ...why not opposites? or …… ? My take on this; is it feels so vague and complex that while it suggests something it never really grapples with it and so has little effect. Its has a kind of intellectual cast like you're about to write something academically explicative. A poem could be more like a dance or a musical piece ie a lyric with poetic texture
EX; congested cosmos of agony ie describe it dont just identify it

Also I would suggest pairing it down That means that because the language is not textured with real meaning there may be a tendency to over compensate

of a life wretchedly loathed.....of a life loathed. doesnt that say it clean to the point Simple yet more powerful in effect. or as a metaphor even more poweful....Pain ...a heart like black steal veins
My suggestion is revise and revise Throw yourself deeply into the process of writing so reading it is like stepping into a painting . images colors music etc

Best Z

I think it is fair to say that you may be looking for something other than my point which you find "vague". That is exactly my point. This is about whispered secrets and fears that are so powerful they deform an identity. Those who can identify with guilt and shame recognize the emotions portrayed in this poem. Those outcasts, misfits, and maligned, because of their sexual preference, their homelessness, or because they have misunderstood secrets to keep. To be explicit in this poem is to shut out the effects on those who already know what it means. For them, there is no puzzle at the end.

I have great respect for your work, Z, but I honestly think your critique does not fit this poem or its intent. One does not step into it like a painting.

Respectfully,

~ Marthalyn

author comment

Do you know what a cooks job is ???...Its to make the food taste great. So remember the job of a writer is to hold the attention of the reader; to magnetize, to weave a spell, to seduce, to entrance! Without that we have nothing except rationalizations
In your comment back to me when you weren't trying to be so aristo phonic you actually where clear
Those outcasts, misfits, and maligned...that is actually a good beginning to a verse
I dont mind push back but I think it needs to be specific

They will hide their names....why their names,,, im lost here..is it suppose to be a metaphor It is certainly abstract and in my opinion to abstract in the context
buried within the frames of those
who cannot explain their pain,....meaning what in their bodies..ie pain in the body?
nor why themselves they blame....this is extremely awkward phrasing

To be explicit in this poem is to shut out the effects on those who already know what it means.
Why would they be shut out? On the contrary they would have the revelation of recognizing themselves and your message to them as opposed to the HUH effect

I get that every person has to recognize for themselves what succeeds and fails so dont mind me
If my comments dont make sense okay so ill leave you with this: What I look for in poems are in language that feels both improvised and exquisitely controlled ...that hold me and touch me through clarity of intention and linguistic charm.

I think this poem could be much better if you did not make such a blanket statement; in effect if you qualified guilt and shame. It is obvious you are speaking of confused and/or unjustified guilt and shame. I have done things in my life which i knew was wrong and still continued, and by right I feel guilt for my actions. So without specifically absolving the one, you pace all guilt and pain under the same blanket.
Perhaps by finding the right adjective in the introduction at the end your could narrow the options, or a title like 'unresolved guilt and shame'.
Perhaps I am just splitting hairs, but think about it.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

I just want you to know that your suggestions gave me a more complete view of what my poem was supposed to mean to me. It was your personal experience suggestions that mattered most. I don't need people telling me to read a book or check out someone else's style. It's how a poem I write affects a person that tells me whether or not I've created art. Thank you.

Respectfully,

~ Marthalyn

author comment

I was hoping to make the point that guilt and shame are mirrored similarities (Twins). They do create emotional pain and have a huge impact on a person's self-respect and resulting behavior. Self-forgiveness and the forgiveness of others who are not sorry about anything they have done are my way to be free of these monstrous emotions. These are just my opinions and you are certainly free to disagree or not.

Respectfully,

~ Marthalyn

author comment

Perhaps I was not so clear. it seems misunderstandings a very easy to come by. In my opinion its an excellent poem. My point is not about agree or disagree. My point was, words often have broad meanings. and interpretations. I just thought that by narrowing your interpretation of the word the poem would gain added power and weight.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

My poem is based on how I define Guilt and Shame. They do not exist in degrees and one rarely exists without the other if that is even possible. They are self-destructive forces that diminish human life. There is no honor in holding on to them. But I honor my own life by exposing them, letting them go, and moving on. I know this is not the explanation you were looking for, however, I honestly have no other to offer you.

Respectfully,

~ Marthalyn

author comment
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