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Silver Trout

I met you in September
Oh! How I do remember
We stumbled into December
Still a lonely member
January set us on a fire
Only for the rain of winter to come
To wash away all that was prior
No more messages
No more kisses
All that is left are the other fishes
Her tears could cry a sea of creatures
But the only creature she wants
Is the only one she misses

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage: 

Comments

the poem i like very well..
language use..word use..flow..
i keep remembering the remakes
of old tales......thenarrations
of burtons..suess...snickett..
"a creature of one....is the one she misses...."
because the multitude is the facet in the
above line....that boring nameless replication
that does nothing for the narrator
the fishes.....its two tiers ..the old standby
"all the fish in the sea...."
etc.....

love...lament
new worlds had creatures

but then again you write extremely well
maybe its me....i struggle with the last line
i see its very clever in re reading a few
times....

more then my own change....

thank you !

This is excellent.
Concerning the last line?
Split it into two:

"But the only creature she wants
is the only one she misses"

it makes a more pronounced pause in the cadence, which re-enforces the rhyme with the two preceding lines.

hope this helps.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

I like the idea of splitting the lines and will do that now. Thanks.

author comment

A short time to live, love, then leave, I have been there done it and still wear the tea shirt lol Just a few changes can be done and it will be sorted, Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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