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Silver String unraveling

sensuous slide of candiru
microgram of the guinea worm
established vectors of swine flu.
ebola's soul in frightful form

of the pandemics something more
duet required, eyes glazed with hell
vectors unleash the oozing sore
and we all kindly open cell

two to four and four to eight grow
nibbling faster through us they go
cures obscure and circus lure blow
hucksters twitch from the tree moon's glow

minds engaged to improve the earth
universal foes unconcerned
with good in life, the births, the love
They would as soon as have it burned

religion-less, the world earth breath
half want to kill, half long for death

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

It's not even started yet, I got the idea "what if consciounceness decided after Aeons of time that the human race experiment was a failure" and this is what came out. It came out hard and fast so I wrote it down and saved it here with barely a spell-check. I have no idea what it is, but I'm saving it for a revisions example for a future workshop or blog. In the mean time, Most of Neo thinks I'm a shite poet...hehe

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

It'll be our little secret. :)

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

I read and understood this if you read it a couple of times it becomes clearer
I don't know who would say your a shite poet because your not

I've had a rough patch myself lol coming good now

Keep on writing I'll keep reading smile

Love Jc x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

I appreciate your kind words, and I just recently thought I had come out of a rough spell. I'm glad this is written down, the DNA for what I mean to say is in there. It will be far more clear I hope. I so appreciate you and Beau reaching out to me. It means a lot to me.

Thanks :)

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Liked this piece and the references to the worst things that can invade our bodies, love the "candiru" especially.
You will be writing with Gee and his Killers soon lol,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I'm glad you liked it Ian, though I'm wondering what is to like at this point. I'm considering a fasting, sleep-deprivation thing to get it to the surface. The last one didn't work, but the three prior were very successful.

If this comes out as I wish, it will not be gross, but by far the most metaphysical of my poems. Here's hoping.

Thanks Ian,

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

hi ron
I guess you know where the meter is out
and it is out a lot
imo it does need some work in places, in others you can get away with the mix…
an unique theme – a bit dark for me though
great choice of words give the piece a really grave feel
I reckon you should work on this – make it really great
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I appreciate the read and critique. I like the concept much more than the execution. I agree, it's much too dark. I fell into the 'imagination of disaster'. Truth be told, this nakedly shows how much influence William Burroughs and Nabokov have on my voice.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment
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