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silliest humour
When I was in school years ago
my school girl Captain
a very smart and sweet gal was she
said hello you
come see
here
i c u r more
HOLY than Righteous
I learned two words
HOLEY
and
RIGHT YES
I was woefully poor
and
wore a green sweater
with a million holes
That's how my old sweater story goes
You said on such incidents
I must poetry compose
here is my first silly dose
she
The gal
was a
pretty(iest)
ROSE...
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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UNIVERSE...ETERNITY C/O ME
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Comments
Mallory
Sat, 2018-06-16 05:56
Well constructed, with poetic devices provided
The sights were reminiscent of ones experience.
From my own point of view, you dropped a hefty imagery, metaphors that gave the poem a staunch backbone. Styled with slanted lines to picture the state of the situation /mood .The poem it self has a humorous slanting method.
I was woefully poor
and
wore a green sweater
with a million holes.
Such wretched life is terrible, especially when you encounter an angelic damsel you loved, such ugly and tattered outfit wouldn't allow you to have a say to the lady you admired. You would always carry along with mental picture of her thinking about... if i had a better life, i would one day get to her.
Love the way you write.
Ibe Frederick
lovedly
Sat, 2018-06-16 11:13
hello Mallory
You are too good and kind
she was so lovely
I did not mind
she did not a bull like me
interesting enough find
she was soooooo richhhhhhhhhhhh
and what a gal
one can't forget ever
she was two years older
but not a cougar
author commentIRiz
Sat, 2018-06-16 14:10
Hello again!
Hello again!
Nice poem. I like it very much
But maybe you want to work on it a little longer?
Some words your repeat can be omitted without losing information, for example
You can write
Years ago
my school Captain,
a very smart and sweet gal was she,
said, "hello you
come see
here
i c u r more
HOLY than Righteous."
I've learned two words
HOLEY
and
RIGHT YES.
I wore a green sweater
with a million holes.
And she was dressed like a princess
and smelled like a rose.
Here was my first silly dose
of learning.
IRiz
lovedly
Sat, 2018-06-16 23:24
yeah wonderful
2 morrow I shall replace it tnx
wonderful
author commentIRiz
Sat, 2018-06-16 23:37
Don't replace, redo it the
Don't replace, redo it the way you like it.
IRiz
lovedly
Sun, 2018-06-17 00:11
u r an expert poet
i am just a toddler
why meddle with your suggestion
let all others enjoy it
If of course you agree
Irene
author commentIRiz
Sun, 2018-06-17 09:05
Because I am not an expert.
Because I am not an expert.
Because it is you who has a picture in front of your eyes.
Because you are the author of the lines.
You are a great poet who has all the means to write on his own.
Every poet goes through many iteration of their write before publishing.
First it is idea.
Second it is well developed description.
Third it is cut to the crispy essence message.
In your poem you may want to add more about
your time at school, description of the girl, your feelings, anything that comes to mind when you read your lines and travel back there.
My suggestion was an example, but it is not good as a poem. It uses banal words like princess, only you can add real description of the girl the way you remember her.
Write on!
Hugs.
IRiz
lovedly
Sun, 2018-06-17 14:46
neither an emotional poet ...nor really adept
I confess
you alone help
and
now perhaps only by you here
Lovedly is being read
So I shall compose afresh
mangoes oranges leaves and trees compose more about long walks in the breeze on horse back think of yourself a cow boy with times up your sleeves like hell think of the black hole you read about yesterday think about the stars and galaxies distant away think of your friends and teachers at school who loved some did you fool think of the Garden of Eden where guys now go to steal no not fruits like in olden days we used to but pluck real human oranges and pears see how life changes and with what one compares think of what you can think and prove the world will think of a new born FROST maybe Shakespeare in you ...
Now think how a poemised version of this prosaic would do
let me thank and think of you
author commentIRiz
Sun, 2018-06-17 16:58
Your reply sounds like a poem
Your reply sounds like a poem to me.
IRiz
lovedly
Sun, 2018-06-17 19:34
yes but of course
and
I have already posted it
kindly scan you gave
the inspiration and directions
yes but of course
author commentlovedly
Sun, 2018-06-17 19:36
Walk in the Garden of Paradise and do read it
Walk in the Garden of Paradise
author comment