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The Silent Voice

Tell me why, daddy
why do you hit mommy in front of me?
what wrong has she done to you?
don't you love her anymore?

I can't sleep
you are always shouting
mummy is always crying
none of us is happy anymore

when both of you quarrel
you turn my life upside down
i am scared
but its like you forget to care

I miss the hugs and kisses
that both of you used to give at night
the bedtime stories before I sleep
the safe feeling I had when you are there

We used to hang out together
cracking jokes, laughing
Now you stay away from each other
and suddenly both of you became strangers

Can we go back to yesterday
I love you and mommy too
don't want to have to choose between you
don't want to leave our home

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I am writing from a child's point of view.
Editing stage: 

Comments

You have quite a voice. Your rants are effective and powerful. I wish all would read and understand.
I hesitated to say that this needs some tweaks here and there, especially that you've added that you're writing from the child's perspective. If so please ignore my suggestion.

PS Stanza 2 Line 4 "none of us [is].... as it indicates singularity.

Thansk alot for sharing.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Rula, I've edited it.

alid

author comment

This poem is very eloquent and honest. It effectively makes the reader sense your discomfort and helplessness and the craving for the patch up in the hope of re-living the warmth, affection and joy in family re union.. for me it did create a picture of an innocent, lost child...

raj (sublime_ocean)

that's what I wanted.You really get it. See, since my mastery of the language is not that good and my knowledge on descriptive words are very limited, I tend to go for the emotional side of the poem to communicate with my readers...I have been criticized for playing it safe but for now I need to gain more knowledge and experience here before I could really do some changes...errr by the way, can you recommend me a good book on english poetry ?

Alid

author comment

I definitely would recommend a good book of poetry if i could. But honestly I am an amateur and like you try to express through the medium of poetry. Besides English is not my mother tongue due to which at times I get stuck up to find the right word/s for expression. I would suggest that you request the likes of Wesley or Jess or Ian or Stan who would definitely help you out in selecting a good reference book..sorry I couldn't help you out for that...

raj (sublime_ocean)

a couple of suggestions, consider them if you feel them to be worthy

Line 1 Stanza 4 change "missed" to "miss" if you want to bring in a sense of continuity of the feeling rather than in a past tense

Line 2, Stanza 5 change "telling jokes" to "cracking jokes"

raj (sublime_ocean)

I'll edit it now.

Alid

author comment

Loved the poem, it right away shows the emotions felt at deep down the heart!

Keep going...

Cheers,

Kavi

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