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THE SILENT VOICE

The sun shines with broken seasonal rains
Besides, the wind blows on, all the year round
Carrying with it soft sounds since silenced
From the mouth of one who was first to speak
Harvested crops found their way to stomachs

Through the filtered nature of tinted self
Draped in a cloak of grey on smoggy screen
The protector of sacred scrolls dictates
I fight to transmit with quill pen and ink
Jotting words with difficult maneuver

These captured echoes of silence rumbled
Circumvented the coloured world of orbs
While my nimble fingers move frenziedly
All in quest of style and denotation
Words flow seamlessly from the core within

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

That your title shouts, yet your piece writes of a struggle for the written words that should flow,
Try to whisper, then the words will flow in order as they cannot overcome each other, they will form up in lines as a regiment of form, I wait for your whispers, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

The wisper of uncordinated words still hunt my lips and pen. By this I mean, of all I have learnt or come to know, any time I open my mouth to speak, I stammer or talk in a way that makes me think I should not have opened my mouth in the first place.

Thank you my dear friend and best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment

beautiful alliteration and descriptive in
‘soft sounds since silenced’

this write really needs a few reads in order to really take it all in
beautifully written blank verse
I have been really carried along with this write – but I am not sure why

one suggestion
‘While my nimble fingers moved frenziedly’
I would make ‘moved’ ‘move’ to bring it to present tense…

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

My head is swollen by your remark on the use of alliteration and at the same time deflated by my infelicities on the use of tense and articles. Thank you for being the eyes that see where mine have failed. Best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment

Love this poem.
It has been a great privilege to me to follow your work and growth as a poet.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

You have been the one who has encouraged me this far and my story cannot be complete without you, best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment

Just you keep on writing, bring to our table some of the best gifts of your words, leaving some for later.
What a lovely lot of remarks about your work and may I add that you have since arriving here excelled in your writing.
The poetry is fine but never forget your roots where your words can be used to help.
It is a pity that you cannot go to the schools and read to them of their history and the beautiful flow that your poetry now gives us..
Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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