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Silence too Menacing

Where are you, love?
You're not here by my side
There's a stranger on our bed,
lying with me every night

He wears your face
with a missing smile
He did not embrace
your zeal for life, your style

I yearn for your touch
for your calming voice to soothe my heart
I don't ask for much
I just want your love never to part

My soul is shouting in anger
but the silence is impenetrable
I can't stand this any longer!
Save me from this mad cycle

I breath but I'm dead inside
I'm discovering the light to be free
but I can't escape the dark
without you beside me

My body housed my deprived soul
My heart is a nameless tombstone
If I have sinned, please pardon me
just don't leave me here all alone

Where are you love?
Why don't you answer?
The silence between us is too loud
I can't hear you here....

The silence is suffocating,
breaking the sacred vow you've once uttered .
Don't turn them into cruel lies
Don't leave my heart shattered...

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

The title is perfect but i think the poem could be better, it's good but the subject gives you so much scope, for example. He wears your face with a missing smile, he did not embrace, your zeal for life, your style.. I think this helps and with one or two other peices worked on this could be great. Love Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

I wrote the first comment and saved it but it did not register????. Love Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Did some edit. Need more suggestions and feedbacks. I appreciate all of them very much. Yeah, I know. sometimes I faced the same problem too.

Alid

author comment

did you mean to say
I just want your love???

a bit more of edit
will make the poetry lively
and you will get all credit

loved

I'm a little down with the flu, so can't think well what with the meds and all.

Alid

author comment

then ask ur compy to edit it
the errors will surface
take some medicines
and do meditation
you will be well soon
tc

loved

Silence is too loud
Submitted by alidzain on Thu, 2014-05-01 20:36

Where are you, love
you are not here by my side
there's a stranger on our bed,
lying with me every night
he wears your face
with a missing smile
he does not embrace
your zeal for life, your style

I yearn for your touch,
for your calming voice
I don't ask for much
I just want your love
my soul is screaming in anger
but the silence is impenetrable

I can't stand this any longer!
save me from this mad cycle
I breathe but I'm dead inside
I'm finding the light to be free
but I can't escape the dark
without you beside me
my body is the """"grave* ???'''' for my soul..........* YOU MAY USE abetter metaphor just rethink...
my heart is a nameless tombstone

if I have sinned, I beg for forgiveness,
just don't leave me all alone
where are you loved
why don't you answer
the silence is too ........loud.........reconsider another word if u can /may
I can't hear you here....

accept it only if you feel!

loved

how about if I change
my body is the grave for my soul
to
my body bears a deprived soul...

as for "the silence is too loud", its actually a sarcastic remark so I'm not sure if I should change it.

author comment

Inner voice nicely expressed in this poem. As Roscoe has suggested there are areas on which you will surely improvise.

As for me, who are "He" and "Stranger" in the context of this poem?

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

this is the internal voice of a woman whose husband has grown distant. the "he" and the "stranger" is the same person and yet because of his sudden change in character and attitude turns him into a stranger in the eyes o his wife.. i'm a bit stuck here so i will appreciate it if you can help me with a few suggestions.

Alid

author comment

As usual, you have chosen a good subject and used imagery well . But then come a few of those darned details lol. So here goes :
you changed tense in 2nd and 3rd stanza
You used "my side" at the end of 2 lines. Some folks say that's a mistake. If you agree you could use beside me in stanza 5.
In stanza 4, line 1 I wonder if you really mean pain instead of anger
In last line you might consider deleting here.
You have shown a lot of progress since you first came on site............stan

In stanza 4, line 1, can I use "shouting in anger" to maintain the rhyme?

author comment

It depends. To begin with Never make a change you are not comfortable with making. Just because I think the protagonist might feel pain doesn't mean that's what you intended to convey. If pain IS closer to what you wanted to convey you are not limited to changing the first line in the stanza just to maintain rhyme. You can also adjust the line which rhymes with anger in order to make it rhyme with pain or make an adjustment in how either line is worded in order to maintain rhyme. This is why editing something after a few days or weeks is important. It is easier to see other possibilities when you look at something with "fresh" eyes.
So, if you wanted to convey anger instead of pain, leave it as is for now. If you want to convey something other than or in addition to anger leave it alone a few days then make the change. And NEVER,NEVER settle for using the wrong word just to maintain rhyme.....................stan PS I have edited the first poem I ever posted here so many times I can't count them and am still unsatisfied with one of the stanzas lol

the reason I'm asking is because I want to now if I am using the right words when I use shouting in anger because come to think of it, I can't remember a time when someone used the words screaming in anger in a sentence. so I did the edit...

Alid

author comment

I find this a compelling poem, but I feel it can be stronger
Here is my opinion;

Where are you, love?
You're not here (by) my side
There's a stranger on our bed,
"Have you found someone new?"
(I believe, that usually this is the first thought)

I breath but I'm dead inside
I'm (discovering) the light to be free
but I can't escape the dark
without you beside me

My body is the grave for my soul
my heart is a nameless tombstone
if I have sinned, (please pardon me),
just don't leave me here all alone
(“If I have sinned, I beg for your forgiveness”. Begging seems strong, you do not know if you have truly done something wrong, pardon indicates like if you are in a jail for acts committed, as all who are jailed say; “I am innocent”)

Where are you love?
Why don't you answer?
The silence is too loud
I can't hear you here.... (For me this line is saying that the person is not even in the same room. So it detracts from the fact that the person is with you from the beginning of the poem but is none responsive to your needs. I think the last line should have more strength of how you feel, that they are not here mentally, like something great was lost in the relationship)

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

i did some edits but i try not to stray away from the origin too much. Tell me what you think.

Alid

author comment

Much better!
I still think the last line is not strong enough to show the pain the protagonist is in. To me this poem is about the sorrow and pain she is feeling. The last line should be a testament of the pain, encapsulating all of it in the final line, like the pain that is breaking her heart.

This is your poem it is just how I see it in my own perception.

Thanks for listening to my idea's and applying some of them.
Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

I enjoyed this and would change little, if anything! Keep up the good work!

Thank you for the visit and the comments.

Alid

author comment

How about the title being :Silence too Menacing? Just a thought

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

You whine and whinge about how hurt you are and do nothing about it. Stand up for yourself.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

thank you for the feedback

Alid

author comment
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