Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Silence

Silence

You have no friends for company
So you entertain your transparent ghosts
Together you walk hand in hand
With your translucent hosts

They feed you words of violence
Used to break the perfect silence

You stare at the walls in misery
So you listen to your invisible demons
Together you talk face to face
With your crystalline fiends

Their lies you happily spread
Open their mouths to be spoon-fed

When you try to tell the truth
You choke and splutter
But when you tell your lies
They slip from your tongue like butter

When you try to tell the truth
You cough and stutter
But when you tell your lies
They slide out with each word you utter

You have no friends for company
So you listen to your transparent fiends
Together you speak mouth to mouth
With your translucent demons

They feed you words of violence
Used to crack the tranquil silence

You stare at the walls in misery
So you entertain your invisible hosts
Together you sleep arm in arm
With your crystalline ghosts

Their lies you defiantly spread
Open their mouths to be force-fed

(outro)
With your Ghosts and Hosts
And your Demons and Fiends
Your every Word of Violence
Is now finally met with our Silence

© 2010 hoodedstranger.com

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Rosina,

wow! you did take a lot away with you when you read this one.

I can't deny that this was written with the soul purpose of being a song. A heavy and aggressive style with deep bass and layered synths in typical Systema Synthetica style.

You are right with the mind being fragile and open to suggestions from their demons/ghosts in a schizophrenia type of situation. This person has nobody else to communicate with other than their inner demons. You can probably relate to that more than most from what we have discussed previously.

You did make me laugh when you called me Stan!...that's Scribbler, and he's much better looking than I am! Lol!

I think I have a good heart, but I find writing with a dark stained heart much easier. The darker thoughts can take over despite our good intentions to be good...I understand exactly what you're saying here.

Love the ps....I think that sums up this write perfectly.

Many thanks for your comments here...you really got into this one and that pleases me if I can keep the interest going throughout the piece.

Kind regards,

HS

ps. looking forward to doing that co-write with you soon.

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Rosina,

no worries about the name...easily done, and it did make me laugh!

I will think about the co-write and see what I can come up with.

I'll PM you in a day or two,

regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

I read this and I know you were in a deep state of mind in writing this, in an emotion of contempt perhaps.. Silence.. I am grasping is the violence the perpetrator puts on their victims. I may be off, but that is what I got from it. There are just a few tweaks here allow me

Their lies you happily spread

(I am thinking here you meant they're or I guess on second thought it could be their lies) hmmm Just a thought.

Love at ya
Mona Ma

Mona,

I like what you have got out of the poem/song...with the silence being the violence the perpetrator puts on their victims. This has two meanings for me and you are a lot closer with the less obvious one that I had expected...damn! you know me too well!! Lol!

It is meant to be the lies that the person has been told by their demons/ghosts etc so 'their' was what I intended in this instance.

This particular write went through a lot of changes before I felt I had got the two meanings hidden within it properly. I have to thank Ziggy, Lou & Cat for helping to develop this one.

Thanks for dropping by Mona,

regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

You are the master at what you do. This one had a powerful effect on me.

Much Love,
Elizabeth

Elizabeth,

your hero!...you'll have me blushing if you keep talking like that! Lol!

I am pleased it had a powerful effect...it wasn't meant to be subtle, but 'in yer face' kind of poem/song.

regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Seren,

the chilling sensation of a mental disease is exactly where this write was coming from. A kind of schizophrenia.

This has two meanings for me, the schizophrenia side and another.

Don't you be away too long now!

thanks for reading and commenting,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Wow your someone's hero , who would have thought ? LMAO

Love this one , you know I have a leaning towards dark subject matter. I still have a slight problem with ' trasparent ghosts ', but on reading this again , I can see that it works well within the context of the piece.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Lou,

yes, even little me can be a hero!

Obviously we have discussed this one previously since you were privy to many of the drafts that this one took. I am also troubled with transparent ghosts...but the more I think about it the happier I am to leave it in...for now!

I know you enjoy the dark subject matter - thanks for all your input in getting this piece into this (latest) version.

kind regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Dan,

Your most welcome.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

it is good to see the magic of your words again...in your inimitable style you have so eloquently expressed silence...i loved the way you repeat the words in sequels....like dancers in a choreographic posutres...

warmly...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Raj,

you been away?...I missed you!

Who could have thought there were this many words to describe...silence! I could have done the easier version of Silence for a song:

Silence
-
-
-
-
the end...Lol!

The repeated words in sequels are simply used to help this become a song.

"like dancers in a choreographic postures"...what an image...thank you kindly.

Thanks for dropping by my friend,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

perhaps i could feel the beats of a song in those lines which made me quip " like dancers in choreographic postures"...a pleasure read for sure...

warmly..

raj (sublime_ocean)

The woman who was living with us, Steve and me, suffered and still does for all I know, form paranoia and bipolar disease. She was constantly thinking that people were talking about her behind her back. She moved out on October eighteenth of this year. Before she left, she grabbed my arm and twisted my wrist. She told me that if I told anyone what she had done, something terrible would happen to my cats. In my impaired mental state, I believed her and told no one until recently. (I told Steve) She sprained my wrist, and I went to the dr. for it, so I have the a medical record of the incident. (I told the attending dr. that I must have hit it on a doorknob.) This poem reminds me of her (Lyn) and it gave me a case of the shivers. An excellent poem to evoke such emotions.

love, cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

Cat,

that was a story I wasn't expecting...it sends shivers down my own spine...the evil bitch.

Glad you liked the poem/song but wish it didn't remind you of what happened - what a bloody awful year you've had!

I know you like to light candles for sending positive and healing energy. For you I will burn an effigy of Lynn...it's the best I can do!!

LOL!

Thanks for reading and sharing, move on now, you & Steve (and the cats) are due some good times now.

Love

Dan

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

well hood i'm back at last lol
I have missed your words and how the
envoke comments like those above ,
as your writes always have deeper meaning
not just pretty words for the sake of it ,
the first verse I coiuld not imagine it any other
way it gives the read a real kick start,
" together you talk face to face with your crystalline fiends " that
line stands out to me love it,,,, it later becomes transparent fiends
your style is so well rounded I can always pick certain things out
ah , I've just had a fix of hood well over due ,,cheers ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs

I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.

Zigs,

you know me too well my friend...always a deeper meaning hidden in the shadow of my writes...I find it such fun and a challenge to layer my work.

Glad you enjoyed your 'fix'...I should start charging!

regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

it finally caught up, you can push and push.One day they will be gone, then what the ugly silence of self.
a wonderful song. I could hear music in the words, how the hell did you do that or is it me hearing things. i'm not kidding how'd you do it!
fuck I'm impressed!
always Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Eddie,

thanks for your positive comment.

I am pleased you liked these lyrics.

You can hear the music?...well I write with a tempo and music style in my head, drop in carefully structured and metered verses, link in a bridge that leads into a chorus. It doesn't always work by just seeing the words, but sometimes readers have a tune in mind when they read my work.

My music genre is electro/darkwave & industrial, but often people will comment and say I could here the jazz, or rock music with it...I don't mind. If people can enjoy my lyrics and add their own tune to it, then that pleases me big time.

You're impressed?...I have been impressed with your work...especially your dark writes...there's a Devil inside all of us...I guess it takes a brave person or a fool to release it!

kind regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

When people anger me, I tell them. "I am the devil and remorse has just walk out the door."
It's a pleasure to find a kindred spirit.
Always Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Eddie,

"I am the devil and remorse has just walk out the door."

I haven't heard that before...may I borrow it as a lyric in a future write?

Kindred spirit - indeed.

regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

please, have with it. not a problem!
Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

This world is hidden from me, it is from another era,
your young era, where the music attacks the mind in relentless fury,
and drills holes in the head through which the feelings,
if they are not beaten to death,
charge like arrows and sear the skin off my ears.
I tend not to watch things furious on the TV,
or ugly unfelt acted excesses,
and do not wish my mind to dwell on such.

They can go in too deep and distort all I hold dear,
and I am fearful of that. Cushy what?
Any books I read I read every single word of,
and live their lives, too much it takes me away from life!!!

And yet if done with flair
and with such interesting charges of black stallion daring,
those sudden transparent ghosts take on an ephemeral delicacy
that wanders through my senses and clothes me in the cloak of despair,
for just the moment, and makes me glad to be myself,
and not bothered with dreams or any such visions in my life.

As a poem it is great though, however it makes me feel.

" You have no friends for company

So you entertain your transparent ghosts

Together you walk hand in hand

With your translucent hosts"

Oh I feel this.

Listen.................?

Luv Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Ann,

many thanks for taking time out to read and comment on this piece.

I am glad the world I have created in this piece is not something that you see, to be hidden from it would be bliss.

You always find some light in my dark writes...and that always brings a smile to my face.

Loved your comment:

those sudden transparent ghosts take on an ephemeral delicacy
that wanders through my senses and clothes me in the cloak of despair,
for just the moment, and makes me glad to be myself,
and not bothered with dreams or any such visions in my life.

That's wonderful.

Many thanks again,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

This write really bitch-slaps you and commands your attention from beginning to end. I really liked the good usage of synonyms. Rather than just repeating a single descriptive (invisible) you varied it up with invisible/transparent/translucent/crystalline and again with fiends/friends/ghosts, etc. Is this person friendless because of compulsive lying, drug use, or severe mental instability I wonder?

~ Jess K
"A parakeet is one who takes care of you until the real keet arrives.." - George Carlin http://www.centranthus.blogspot.com

Jess,

this a 'bitch slap' piece...kind of in your face approach!

I am glad you've read this one as it is of a similar theme to your 'schizophrenia' piece. This person is mentally ill and no longer has friends due to their condition Their only friends in life are the demons in their head and they are slowly taking over.

I worked temporarily in a care home for about a year with mentally deranged adults and I was facinated with their mannerisms and how the voices in their heads became the only reality they understood. They didn't all suffer with schizophrenia, but the 5 individuals i worked with did. It was bizzare how they could be so different from one day to the next depending on which voice/person they were at that time and how in control of each personality they became.

I do try to alternate synonyms when writing lyrics to keep it fresh and less repetitive - but still maintain the feeling and emotion I am trying to create.

Thanks for dropping in to read and comment Jess,

regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

I noticed the similarities in the pieces whilst reading through, yes. BTW, I took your suggestions to heart, and tried to round out the piece more to include more of a development with the voices.

~ Jess K
"A parakeet is one who takes care of you until the real keet arrives.." - George Carlin http://www.centranthus.blogspot.com

Jess,

we should have written a co-write about schizophrenia and been a voice each. That would have worked really well as we both write in different ways so each voice would have been unique...maybe next time!

I will take a look at your piece later and see what changes you've made.

I am still working on a poetry version of Checkmate...but it is fast becoming a novel!

Kindest regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

just a thought...

You have no friends for company
So you entertain your transparent ghosts
Together you walk hand in hand
With your translucent hosts

with reference to the context of "entertaining ghosts"...would it be more appropriate to end the verse with "guests" instead of "hosts"?

warmly..

raj (sublime_ocean)

Raj,

thanks for reading and suggesting a slight word change.

The ghosts was used in conjunction with hosts for the rhyming sequence. There is a slight rhyme with the use of demons and fiends too. Guests would disrupt the sequence as guests and hosts isn't a tight enough rhyme for me.

Guests would also imply they are welcome...this piece is not about welcoming these inner demons, so guests wouldn't be quite right in my opinion.

Thanks for taking time out to read and offer the suggestion, in this case I will leave it as it is...but I do thank you as always for dropping in.

kindest regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

after reading your response it makes a lot of sense and understand the context which i had not considered while suggesting a change...

warmly..

raj (sublime_ocean)

raj,

Neopoet works well because it gives us writers the chance to post something and receive feedback to help evolve it. In this case I have left it alone, but I do thank you for the suggestion...without feedback, the site can't really work in the manner we have come to expect.

Glad my further comment explains the context of the piece a little more.

Kind regards my dear friend,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.