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Should we be proud

Submitted by AMOGELANG MOKOBANE on Mon, 2016-05-02 12:05

we are in a filthy enviroment
we have burned places, created fire
smokers taking control of the world
built squatter camps
are we even healthy
Mother eart is crying out
Is it the future we want?

public transport has grown please upgrade you vihicle
police have demolished the sky
teargas has calmed the strikes but has destroyed so much
is this the way to go?
Mother earth is crying out loud
Is this the future that you want?

Money is there to be made
Powerstation`s are giving in millions
we are commiting a crime to the o-zone layer
Are we trading money for life?!
We are destroying tomorrow for today!
the generation of tomorrow may not see the beauty of today
Mother earth is crying
Is this the future we want?

WAKE UP WORLD THIS IS OURS!
why should we destroy it?
Solutions are there for us
Experts have done their research
we are destroying what we have
Mother earth is crying out loud
She cant even promise tomorrow

Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
the world is getting to into man made things natire cant be seem anymore theres too many trees being choped down too many powerstations polluting the air not forgeting the strikes we having . is the future going to be without the beauty of nature?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Tue, 2016-05-03 06:06

weirdelf's picture
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A lucid and important poem. Yet it doesn't have many poetic qualities. Who are the poets you like reading? Is English your first language? Are you comfortable with meter, assonance, alliteration, rhyme? Your message could carry more effectively if it used language more poetically.

Also I notice you have not made a single comment on anyone else's poetry in the 16 months you have been a member. You don't have to be an expert, just read and tell people what you think of their work. Make suggestions if you can. This is an interactive community. It's not bartering or a price but as usual the more you give the more you get.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

AMOGELANG MOKOBANE

Sun, 2016-05-08 12:04

AMOGELANG MOKOBANE's picture

thanks for your input and well I have never commented simply because I am not really so good with understanding poems and I just write with no aim or direction

author comment

weirdelf

Mon, 2016-05-09 07:54

weirdelf's picture
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you have the poetic soul to express, which is generosity of spirit in itself so also read other poets and try to help them.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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