Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Short Lived

With a quill I wrote verses
in lavish strokes of pink
somewhere along the line
I ran out of your ink
no other ink can ever script
those mystic duets
of a poem once begun
but without an end line...

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

tracing the complicated rivers
within....
the ink like a dye
the matters of the Heart!

thank U!

they have a short life span
but shed much insight
in medical
Love is oft like this

I must thank you Esker rather than you thanking me...it's a privilege when the likes of you, Keith , Judyanne spare time, make constructive suggestions and appreciate my effort..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Indeed I only comment on poems I like
but I have one or two suggestions;
1st. it naturally breaks into two quatrains.
2nd.Third line from end I would drop "rest of"
3rd. Second line from end I would drop "which had"
I think something along those line would be a final polish.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Thanks Keith for your time and for your valued suggestions which I find worthy to implement...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

This is beautiful

I agree with Keith's suggestions
as well I would like to suggest that you change 'write'to 'wrote' in the first verse, in order to bring the tense in line with the rest of the poem....
also, verse 4, I suggest changing 'no ink' to 'no other ink'

(Just me)

An emotive and gentle write - i really love it
Hugs
judy xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

by now
I'd be a poet
sad not so fortunate
waffler me!
eh judy

ofcourse folks here do make suggestions to you too...

thanks for the time and visit..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

but u only thank
ur an accomplished poet
all know it

Hi Judyanne...

So nice of you to stop by and thank you for your chime ...your suggestion of course is spot on just like Keith's ...i shall adopt them pronto...in fact i had originally written "no other ink" and later had dropped "other" ...your suggestion to restore "other" tells me I was right in the first place...

Much love and hugs...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

What do you think about the Title? I was initially thinking about "Longing"..will appreciate your thoughts on the Title..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

pivotal muse
raj-OCEAN SUBLIME

Thanks Lovedly for the suggestion...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

because its a lead on to more
then just the following
expectation of title prompts

thank U

Thanks Esker for the confirmation that you find the title appropriate.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I quite like "End Point" which would tie in with the last line.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Thanks Keith for coming back and for your suggestion. Will think about it...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

But I'll suggest others ....
unfinished
incomplete
found wanting

Just one more suggestion - drop the last word and finish with just 'but without an end'
(just my opinion, of couse)

Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thank you Judyanne for coming back and your suggestions. I will think about them..

Much love and hugs...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.