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Short Lived
With a quill I wrote verses
in lavish strokes of pink
somewhere along the line
I ran out of your ink
no other ink can ever script
those mystic duets
of a poem once begun
but without an end line...
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Esker
Tue, 2016-05-17 19:41
Isotope
tracing the complicated rivers
within....
the ink like a dye
the matters of the Heart!
thank U!
they have a short life span
but shed much insight
in medical
Love is oft like this
raj
Wed, 2016-05-18 12:56
I must thank you Esker rather
I must thank you Esker rather than you thanking me...it's a privilege when the likes of you, Keith , Judyanne spare time, make constructive suggestions and appreciate my effort..
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Keith Logan
Wed, 2016-05-18 04:12
I like this
Indeed I only comment on poems I like
but I have one or two suggestions;
1st. it naturally breaks into two quatrains.
2nd.Third line from end I would drop "rest of"
3rd. Second line from end I would drop "which had"
I think something along those line would be a final polish.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
raj
Wed, 2016-05-18 12:57
Thanks Keith for your time
Thanks Keith for your time and for your valued suggestions which I find worthy to implement...
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
judyanne
Wed, 2016-05-18 07:25
Raj
This is beautiful
I agree with Keith's suggestions
as well I would like to suggest that you change 'write'to 'wrote' in the first verse, in order to bring the tense in line with the rest of the poem....
also, verse 4, I suggest changing 'no ink' to 'no other ink'
(Just me)
An emotive and gentle write - i really love it
Hugs
judy xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
lovedly
Wed, 2016-05-18 12:15
how i wish you all had also taught me
by now
I'd be a poet
sad not so fortunate
waffler me!
eh judy
raj
Wed, 2016-05-18 12:55
Hi Lovedly
ofcourse folks here do make suggestions to you too...
thanks for the time and visit..
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
lovedly
Wed, 2016-05-18 13:08
yeah yeah hi yeah
but u only thank
ur an accomplished poet
all know it
raj
Wed, 2016-05-18 13:05
Hi Judyanne...
Hi Judyanne...
So nice of you to stop by and thank you for your chime ...your suggestion of course is spot on just like Keith's ...i shall adopt them pronto...in fact i had originally written "no other ink" and later had dropped "other" ...your suggestion to restore "other" tells me I was right in the first place...
Much love and hugs...
raj (sublime_ocean)
raj
Wed, 2016-05-18 13:08
Keith, Esker, Judyanne, Lovedly
What do you think about the Title? I was initially thinking about "Longing"..will appreciate your thoughts on the Title..
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
lovedly
Wed, 2016-05-18 13:10
twirls .....may be or
pivotal muse
raj-OCEAN SUBLIME
raj
Wed, 2016-05-18 13:19
Thanks Lovedly for the
Thanks Lovedly for the suggestion...
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Esker
Wed, 2016-05-18 14:44
I ike the title....
because its a lead on to more
then just the following
expectation of title prompts
thank U
raj
Wed, 2016-05-18 14:48
Thanks Esker for the
Thanks Esker for the confirmation that you find the title appropriate.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Keith Logan
Wed, 2016-05-18 14:54
Well
I quite like "End Point" which would tie in with the last line.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
raj
Wed, 2016-05-18 14:56
Thanks Keith for coming back
Thanks Keith for coming back and for your suggestion. Will think about it...
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
judyanne
Thu, 2016-05-19 11:19
I like your title
But I'll suggest others ....
unfinished
incomplete
found wanting
Just one more suggestion - drop the last word and finish with just 'but without an end'
(just my opinion, of couse)
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
raj
Thu, 2016-05-19 12:41
Thank you Judyanne for coming
Thank you Judyanne for coming back and your suggestions. I will think about them..
Much love and hugs...
raj (sublime_ocean)