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Shoreline,Lifeline
I stroll along the shoreline
my hair now turned to grey
waves whisper at these feet
it is almost break of day
Ahead a young girl walking
with long and golden hair
turning she watches her footsteps
slowly disappear
Her clear blue eyes fill with sadness
not to be matched by my own
for mine are old and tired
from what they have been shown
Side by side passed the lighthouse
that had stood steady all of this time
it's ever winding staircase
that I was destined to climb
Bewildered and filled with wonder at
how I survived the years
she speaks to me in words
that I cannot hear
Trying to tell me something
at the rising of the sun
she is saying
do not follow
for we can never return
from the road that we have come
As she walks on toward the water
waves covering her being
I realize with great clarity
that all the while
it was me
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Geezer
Tue, 2018-09-25 10:18
I would abandon...
the pretext of this poem being free-form! Lol Your rhyme and near rhyme are very good and it seems to me that you struggled toward the end to make it free-form. That's ok, when I first started writing free-form, I wrestled with it too! I am a rhymer by nature and it seemed unnatural to free-form, but I did find that there are some stories that just demand they be told as F.F. Those are the ones that seem to just fall into a certain rhythm and pattern all by themselves! Not to say, you shouldn't practice it. I look forward to the time when you can indeed, write a free-form without hardship. I like your work. ~ Geezer.
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Shadowdancer3349
Tue, 2018-09-25 17:43
Gee
thank you so much for the read and comments both are appreciated
author commentIRiz
Tue, 2018-09-25 14:29
I like the poem very much, it
I like the poem very much, it takes me for a walk and surprises me with it ending
Thank you for the pleasure reading it.
IRiz
Shadowdancer3349
Tue, 2018-09-25 17:44
Iriz
thank you so much for the visit and kind comment
author commentgregwa8
Thu, 2018-09-27 21:37
I like the rhythm and the
I like the rhythm and the rhyme in this one. I like the suspense and the vivid imagery. I was lost at the end, though. I didn't understand the "punch line."
Shadowdancer3349
Fri, 2018-09-28 17:09
Greg
This person was a younger version of myself does that help?
author commentgregwa8
Fri, 2018-09-28 19:07
oh, that changes it
oh, that changes it completely. interesting.
Eumolpus
Sat, 2018-09-29 11:51
I like the poem too
I did not have any issue understanding the narrative of you meeting a ghost of your former self.. I would consider suggesting it was the sadness that inevitably comes with aging that makes her eyes fill with sadness. In this poem about aging, it is interesting that the subject, (you) cannot find any redemption to the past, that you cannot hear the words spoken to you from your past selves other than to not follow her. You must create a new path, as your past seems to drown in the waves. The poem to me is mostly filled with kind of despair, but in it I also see optimism- you somehow survived. As a reader, I look for some reconciliation. The lighthouse stands as that beacon and could be made more central to the poem. This is not an easy poem to write, because it has such emotion.
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
Shadowdancer3349
Sun, 2018-09-30 08:19
Wow
Thank you ever so much for your more than kind words You saw all of that ? Truly it was exactly what I wanted the reader to see
author commentraj
Wed, 2018-10-03 15:29
Hi SD
the way I perceive...in this poem you have created a balance between past present and future for which the title and landscape fit like a glove...I loved the metaphor of a lighthouse...great use of literary devices to walk the reader through the entire piece...
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raj (sublime_ocean)
Shadowdancer3349
Thu, 2018-10-04 00:59
Raj
sorry for the delay I just saw this Thank you very much
author comment