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Sheeple
They swarm all around me, I've given up the count
Far too many to be seen, too many, to surmount
It's a mob mentality, a furious, greater fail
A serious abnormality, a ship, that cannot sail
Moving so lethargically, pausing every stride
Overthinking typically, tourists with no guide
Way too needy, a snowflake in the heat
not mentally that speedy, fast, or ever fleet
What can be said of scion's, what they dream of, while asleep
Strive to be a lion, struggle not to be a sheep
Last few words:
Ya see em everywhere :D
Editing stage:
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Texas
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William Ernest Henley, Emily Dickenson, Arthur Guiterman
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Comments
Geezer
Mon, 2019-11-18 11:22
Lions are...
just lions and sheep are sheep. We can't all be lions or there would be nothing to eat! ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Temporal Fugue
Mon, 2019-11-18 11:50
Doh, still learning the site
Doh, still learning the site :D
meant to reply to your comment, thank you!
author commentTemporal Fugue
Mon, 2019-11-18 11:49
Noble are pigs
Such is the bend
and the gist
some meant for the take
or the miss
author commentGeezer
Mon, 2019-11-18 21:37
Almost forgot...
I wanted to comment on your poem. I like the rhythm of this one! I rhyme lots and I love this kind of pattern, but if you read the fourth line from the bottom out loud, you will find that you need another two beats to make it right. I would do it: "Being way too needy, a snowflake in the heat"
~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Temporal Fugue
Tue, 2019-11-19 00:09
:D it's all in the timing :D
:D it's all in the timing :D
author commentTonya
Tue, 2019-11-19 00:52
Sheep
I hope that it is mere coincidence if I fall in with the sheep!
I like the poem! I enjoyed the rhythm and message.
However, I thought the crowd, sheep, mob..these are all plural.
When we read to the snowflake line...shouldn't it be snowflakes?
I also agree, with geezer, to round the poem out, those two lines will fit better if you continue
the cadence you have through the rest of the poem.
"Way too needy, a snowflake in the heat.
....exceedingly too needy, snowflakes in the heat (for example..giving 12 beats to equal the next verse.)
" not mentally that speedy, fast, or even fleet"
If course the writer always has their prerogative of presentation.
these were just ideas/suggestions.
Keep up the good writes. Am partial to rhyme myself!
~Tonya
Eumolpus
Thu, 2019-11-21 00:00
Nice write
Obviously concerning what poetry is you “get it” and have crafted a good poem. Welcome
The great title is perfect. I would suggest it’s used in the last couplet rather than sheep. Sheeple rhyming with people, steeple, etc would just add to the humor. Perhaps even an internal rhyme as well. Even "Strive to be a lion, struggle not to be a sheeple." might work.
Good to see a composer fit the words just right in each bar with nice pauses and rhymes that never feel forced. Either you put in your 10,000 hours or have the talent to pull it off. Nice write!
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings