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She Was Born (weekly Contest)

She Was Born

She was born under a shadow
was born unwanted, so forlorn
Last child of the line rejected
the one they did define

She soon learned to wear the mask
and in no sunshine she could bask
Fill her cup with pain
she dines in darkness, in the rain

No cover for her head
all over she is sodden
and the road she walks
is so roughly trodden

Now, it's
courage she doth don
in preparation for her path
the journey goes ever on

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

and the poem itself
I thought that the rhythm was a bit ragged.
I'm not sure if I was just reading it wrong
or there was something in the way that it was presented.

Maybe if you were to try closing it up and not presenting it
as alternating stanza and three line verse?

How about like so?:

She was born under a shadow
was born unwanted, so forlorn
Last child of the line rejected
the one they did define

She soon learned to wear the mask
and in no sunshine she could bask
Fill her cup with pain
she dines in darkness, in the rain

No cover for her head
all over she is sodden
and the road she walks
is so roughly trodden

Now, it's
courage she doth don
in preparation for her path
the journey goes ever on

Just an idea to help the reading and make it smoother.
Big hugs,~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

it was just an experiment which failed. so I like your take on it and will employ your lines :) thank you (I must wear you out!)

*warm hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

I enjoy the occasional experiment myself, and would rather someone tell me that it didn't quite work out the way I planned it, rather than give me a thumbs-up and laud me for a job, not so well done. I assume you would like the same consideration.
It wasn't all that bad, it just didn't come off as you thought it might. The idea and theme were very good. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

you are right...I want the unbiased truth, every time!

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

thumbs up! Hugs, Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

>{^*;*^}<

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment
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