Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

she told me

with bandaged loin
shuffling step
before his twenty-fifth birthday
and long before I was born
he returned from
The Great War

she told me
‘doctors made cuts in the webs of his toes’
and, while he screamed his torment
she would pull them apart
until water turned to blood

she told me
at each and every beginning of day
for three long years
he wailed in a flood of
agony and despair
as she slowly drained
the toxins from his body
because his kidneys no longer did

she told me
‘I don’t like sunrises’
.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

This is a terrible thing to happen and there are stories of many bad ways of doing things. As a poem it to me has failed it is a thing that will be researched for a while in my 1916 medical book on Toxicology but I fear I wont find it there, then it will be put in the remember only the point and the exercise carried out.
I think the exercise of this workshop is to try and write a piece that will be remembered for its impact on quite a few readers.
Toss up between love and hate as a theme like unto one of the masters poems but today??? I shall away and check my book on that now...
Yours Ian.T

PS:- Had a look at the books but no hospital ref: This doesn't distract from the quality of the writing.
This workshop is going to be very hard to find that Memorable piece, it is looking for that needle thing, Yours Ian

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Ian. Are you doubting the authenticity of this?

It is a true story about my grandmother and her first husband
You may have better luck finding the procedure if you look up the treatment of renal failure before the advent of dialysis

Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

I don't doubt that this happened as we did so many things in those days that would make anyone really cringe, the use of bleeding by leeches was still in and god help the first world war soldiers that came back from the trenches, then Spanish flue that killed more than that war.
My own Father was in that war and his six brothers, so medical procedures were very barbaric in those days.

Sorry if I gave that impression it was unintentional, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

and i believe anyone is welcome to, and probably should be encouraged to, comment on workshop poems

anyway i welcome any comments and suggestions for change from all, not just from those in the shop

i am so very glad to hear that you found this poem worthy lonnie
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

was it a mother talking about her son or maybe a nurse about one of the close patients. Anyway it is it works really dear Judy as a memorable , non-forgetable experience .
What makes it so for me again it is the choice of all those words that show the torment all through
Also , the repetition of "she told me" gives a sense of sadness , not sure how and why but it really did and not to forget the ending of the poem

‘I don’t like sunrises’

Very impressive touching and memorable piece though I am not sure what is there to make it a mindful one . Maybe others could tell.
Thanks for sharing dear Judy.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

thank you very much

it is actually a true story - my grandmother and her first husband (not my grandfather), she told me the story from the time i was tiny, and i never believed her. (she told lots of 'stories', bless her)

many years later, after i started nursing, i learned that this was the only way to treat the fluid build-up, that occurs with renal failure, before dialysis was invented in the mid 1920s

anyway, i felt bad disbelieving her lol

i didn't think the poem needed that information - it leaves it open then for people to think as you did - mother, nurse perhaps

oh - i think it being one's son would be worse (if that is at all possible) than one's husband.... and i always thought it was horrific enough for my nana

thanks again rula for the supportive comments
love judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

After the first read I found myself wanting to no avail to wish the imagery away. It was entirely successful in disturbing me and making me feel a mental equivalent of physical pain and also great empathy for this poor person's suffering. There is no denying the piece is dreadfully memorable. Well Done Judy!

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

for the supportive comments - they are greatly appreciated

sorry if i spoilt your day for a while, but it was a true event, so well that we know of the sufferings others have undergone... makes my problems minute anyway

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

we are experiencing
someone near
undergoing dialysis daily
since the last few days
with modernisation
also higher medical attention
alarming costs
when will the one pull out
I ask of you....
Oh ! the wise one
as God only smiles from
a far off
unfathomable distance.

loved

the trouble with dialysis is that it continues someone's quality of life for a time, but after a few years, it just continues life...

if beginning dialysis, one must be prepared to know when to say to stop it as well

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

the guy is old
and many other ailments do rag
still i learn
he may continue for a while to
hold his name tag

loved

wot ron said...and then some...

i can't really find anything to crit or suggest judy,
this impacted upon me strongly, and has left me with
disturbing, and sorrowful, images and thoughts

your second stanza is a haunting image...an awful image, actually

i've been reading a bit of your stuff on and
off for a while
i think you are a fine writer, an intelligent writer who
knows her craft...but i tell you judy...this for me, is
the best i had read of your recent writes

i know it's a workshop poem, therefore written with
specific purpose and probably following certain
guidelines, but it has something that i find lacking
in many workshop pieces (in general))...for lack of the right word
or expression, it has heart
not quite what i'm trying to say, but i have a mother of
a headache, and need to get off this computer

my only question mark, is the title
i have nothing better to offer at the moment, but
for some reason, the title seems too clinical or lacking
for this poem

just my thought...sorry i can't expand upon that
thought at this time

your last 2 lines are so good
they tell me the pain she felt in having
to minister to him as she did, was too much

a poem that lingers with me, and i think
will for a time

cheers
p

read any of mine
kindly

loved

for the wonderful and supportive comments.

as far as the title - i felt the need to explain somewhere in the poem that is was pre dialysis, in order that the poem would be understood... that's the reason i decided to put it in the title
i'll think on some others... but i got nuthing at the moment lol

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

for me, "from The Great War", followed later by the
words "because his kidneys no longer did so", clearly
indicate that it was renal, and of course, predialysis

i understand though, you wanting it to be understood
with the title as is
(still........)

reading it again...still as potent
that second stanza...one of the most uncomfortable, lingering stanzas i've read

EXACTLY as it should be!

cheers
d

thanks again p
what do you think of 'she told me' ???
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

i like "she told me"

workshop wise, i find it a more memorable title, if indeed
"memorable" includes the title
and apart from that, i think having the title
as a refrain in the poem, works very well...makes you really
think about what you are reading

i imagine a young girl at her grandmother's knee/ kitchen table/ whatever,
trying to take in what she is being told

i find this a very powerful poem judy
my favourite of yours i've read...without a doubt

cheers
d

is important for 'memorable'

thanks for coming back
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

bleached white cuts translucent yellow into pale red to maroon, she feels his wince and sag..............the patina of the world changed, sunshine pale yellow, red and maroon. She don't like them she told you........

and my shock and gore dirtied from having seen the true face.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

thank you ron for telling me what this made you visualise - very helpful to know...
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

I had to read this poem a few times. So great was its impact. My first husband had two toes that were webbed on each foot. He was in the U.S. Navy, and no dr tried to seperate his toes. But they weren't that noticable and I never would have known if he hadn't shown me. My older sister is on dialysis. She has been for the past seven years. She refused to take her blood pressure medication for a long time, and that is how she got into this condition with her kidneys. I very much like the last line of this poem, even if it is regretable.

I haven't been around neopoet for awhile due to an illness. But it is nice to be reading your works once again.

love, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

thank you so very much for the read and comments

i'm glad i was able to make a bit of an impact
even more glad that you are feeling better and back with us

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

each time
I get a different ingredient
a newer element to digest
over time
he is still on dialysis
but kith and kin don't know
when to let him go
hope god helps them so ...

the finale none know
not you... nor i... no doc too
heaven is too busy...
we all knew
and
if there is a God of which i have reservations
I’m quite sure he has 7.5 billion
in the ICU we call the world
and I only wish the ailing humanity
Came with life to terms
all we need is a switch off
switch
but then who will??

you haven't read me since...

loved

'if there is a God of which i have reservations
I’m quite sure he has 7.5 billion
in the ICU we call the world'
- well said loved

i am glad you enjoy reading this piece

and yes, i'm sorry i haven't commented on your writes for a while (although i have read them) i have just been caught up in real life work, had little time for the site, and when i have been here have been busy giving my share of time to workshops - you should join them if you want more people to read you and give you crits, loved.

anyway, i'll get to you soon i hope
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

I don't want to become a laughing stock
more than what I am already
sorry no more
no workshop for me.
.free versey
or worsy
lovedly

on the other site my poem
HELLO LONDON IS CALLING
HAS OVER 1650 READS

wow great feeling here anyone hardly reads me
you stan and ian
esker at times

loved

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.