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Shall I compare thee to the Selene.

In thy self is nature's gift
thou art the definition
of peace
I the troubled one
stealthily takes shelter
in thy tranquility
just a glance of thee i need
to make my worries vanish
thou art such a sight
to behold
your bright face
makes the vindictive
abyss in my heart fade
I could stare at thee
for eternity
if I don't get stricken by
the pang of reality.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I stay away from the archaic language and am not particularly enamored of it. However, I can appreciate this attempt at going with the language of the old masters. It shows that you have some versatility.
1] thou [art] such a sight to behold.
2] if I am not [stricken] by the pang of reality.
These are the only two places that I felt you needed help.
~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

Thanks for the feedback. Will make corrections to it.

@funmzy

author comment

a lovely poem you have crafted here. these are my favorite lines:

your bright face
makes the vindictive
abyss in my heart fade
I could stare at thee
for eternity

I could and shall apply this to me darlin' husband, Steven

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Am glad you loved it. Thank you.

@funmzy

author comment

I usually don't write in this manner, however find myself using older contexts occasionally. you've done a fine job here.

I would only make one suggestion....
the next the last line, replace the work strikes with "stricken"

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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@funmzy

author comment
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