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Shadow Tracks

I’m like a shadow,
the demon, hated,
hiding in the city, stooped.
A hunchback ill-fated.

If I go outside
I hide in the cracks.
Colourless and camouflaged
within the crevice blacks.

If I am exposed
by a light cascade
I shrink back in horror
and step back in the shade.

Hence I stay indoors
shut myself away,
so all I'll ever be
is different shades of grey.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

this verse "I recoil in horror,"

It brought to mind a malevolent snake, which really gets to me as I absolutely dislike that creature.

Something tells me that the entire point of this poem was to end up in "...different shades of grey". For some reason, that very last verse doesn't work for me. I loved the imagery, because I felt it was building up to something major.

But I still think it's a good write. :)

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

Soo nice of you to read and comment! I'm glad that you have taken the time to give your thoughts and observations. I will take your opinion on board and try to improve it! Any suggestions would be most welcome.

Keep safe - thanks once again.

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

Nice to read again after the break.
An apealing theme. I really like like it.
A tiny change "so" in the last stanza to be replaced by "that". Only me you know, the decision is surely yours.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Sooo nice to see you and so nice to have your input. I'm working on improving the ending so will be making some changes a.s.a.p. I wrote this one about 7 months ago and knew it needed working on - I nearly always have a problem with endings. lol

Thanks again Rula - it's nice to have some free time to interact.

LOve to you and your family.

Mand xxxxxx

author comment

I could be wrong but its as if you are describing the Hunchback Of Notre Dome. Nice..Well done.

Alid

Just a play with the last stanza, I thought that the whole thing was a good theme, but as a few have picked up the last stanza I thought I would have a go.
Take care young Mand, Yours Ian.T

If I am exposed;
by a light cascade,
I shrink back in horror,
and step back in the shade.

So I reside indoors
Closed in my reality
Where I can always be
My deathly shades of grey

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Soo good to see you! I'm still working on the end - and I have copied over your suggestion. Will edit a.s.a.p Thanks for your help - means a lot to me!!

I hope you and yours have a happy and prosperous new year.

Keep safe

Love Mand xxxxxx

author comment

I guess, as intended by you this really emotes a grey feeling through usage of words and sequence of verses which creates good imagery. As effective as the Title ...raj

raj (sublime_ocean)

You are astute young Raj! When I wrote this I was going through a rough patch - hormonal I think! it was a debilitating time where I hid myself away. Thankfully it's passed now! I feel sorry for anyone going through the same thing - some people never come out of it and that is such a shame because talents get forever hidden.

Thanks Raj - Have a happy, peaceful and prosperous new year.

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

somehow I like this poem as it is
but perhaps you should change the last stanza as others say
after all you know the best mand
good work !
;)

Emina
Maybe it's better to stay completely within
as fire hides in metal
as water hides in rock.
Rumi

I appreciate your coming by to comment! Glad you like the poem - I'm seldom very fast at making changes
( I think to much ). lol But I will work on the ending over the next few days ( not weeks, I hope Te he ).

Have a happy holiday and keep safe.

Thanks again

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

here
we all are shadows
some short
some long
the bigger/longer the better
far from us

loved

Thank you Loved - You've made my day! I hope you are o.k! Looking forward to the new year - if you where here I'd drink a toast with you!!

Keep safe

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

You are both welcome to visit my cave,
I shall prepare a cup of thoughts for you both.
Good ones that will stay with you, all the next year.
I shall give you a gift of faith, not only in yourselves,
But faith in all the ones you will meet.
Go with unconditional love as always,
Yours Ian xx

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

:) Soo sweet - you make me smile - as does loved and others on this site!

Love to you.

Mand xxxxxxx

author comment

I think this is a good poem I checked the edits and noticed you haven't yet changed the ending I cant think of an alternative ending right now but I will have a think about it, this is a poem that could be made even better right now the suggestion box of my mind is empty its 1am lol

I will return tomorrow

I hope you and yours had a wonderful Christmas and New Year

much love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Good to see you! I hope everything is well with you!! We had a wonderful family time over the hols - I hope you had a good time too.

Sorry I've taken so long to reply - life has gone back to being hectic again - as it probably has for everyone.

I've had a mixed and varied response to the ending of this poem - so I'm still open to suggestion. ( I am so thankful for the help everyone is willing to offer ). Don't worry if nothing is forthcoming straight away - no rush.

Just know that I will consider all comments and think strong and hard about it - I hope to catch up with everyone tomorrow. Thanks JC

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

The poem itself is almost like a creative tribute to text-book trauma induced depression, as such the ending is entirely appropriate.

A powerful and well written piece.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Sorry about the delay in reply! You hit the spot! Glad you liked it, still not sure what to do with the ending. ( some like it, some don't ). But your opinion means a lot to me and I appreciate your input.

Thanks again

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

"Among the basement blacks"....this line makes me envision a bunch of black folks cowering in a basement and I'm pretty sure that's not what you mean. maybe something like" among the dark coal sacks"? But this Does do well in describing a person who feels extremely disconnected. Hmmmm...........if there is a way to say crack instead of cracks then you could change blacks to black which would avoid the vision of black folks.............stan

Ha ha! I would never have thought of that in a million years! Lol ( So your comment came as quite a surprise )

We live approx. 20 miles west of Swansea and we rarely see any faces other than white. ( I only know of one family who emigrated from Jamaica to settle in a small town 5 miles away ). Swansea and the big cities in South Wales are more cosmopolitan.

Thinking about your suggestion ( which I'm very grateful for ) Perhaps;

"among the deepest blacks" ( I'll change it if you think it will work ).

Glad you commented from your perspective - quite an eye opener!

Thanks Stan!

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

I like the poem and your original ending, describes
a phobia many can relate to, most feel at least temporarily.

The only suggestion I have is on your first stanza, I thought
a comma after the word "demon" would indicate a stop,
causing a strengthening of the word "hated" and I believe
I'd use "the" instead of "a" ... the hunchback (everyone knows
who that is).

By the way, great title, it drew me in for the read.

thanks, enjoyed the poem,

Richard

I'm so grateful for yours and everyone else's help. I've made the change. ( I think you are right it's more powerful ). Thank you so much for taking the time to pass on your keen eye!

Keep safe.

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

... this is kind of depressing. Good, but very sad. I imagine that's what makes it good.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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Nice to see you! I hope all is well with you and yours. This poem was spawned from experience - an insight into the debilitating effects of depression. Trouble is it's depressing to read! :)

Thanks Wes - I'm so pleased you came by to read and comment.

Love Mand xxxxxx

author comment

I'd like to write.
The theme and the your words, both work hand in hand to make this a success. I like this really. Can't suggest any change.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Soo good to see you! I hope you and your family are well!

Glad you liked the poem - poetry can be an exploration and discovery of our own feelings ( and it can be quite intimate ) - I've seen that in a lot of poets writings. It helps us to understand ourselves and each other.

Glad you think this one is a success Rula - your opinion if valuable!

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

Well, I guess its all been said, but I would just like to add my two cents worth of appreciation for the way this was written, and the way it affected me! You are obviously a talented young lady who reaches deep within herself to bring poetic themes to life! This one is really special!

I'm soo glad you added your two cents worth - it's like a treasure trove for me! Your comment is of great encouragement and made me smile with appreciation. So a big thank you from me! :).

Ps Sorry Lonnie, I have to ask - you don't have to answer. If you are a size 13 shoe how tall are you?

What cheek! fancy asking you that! he he

Love Mand xxxxxx

author comment

One, if you finish with a period you really should follow with a capital.
Two, "and" is a rejoinder and should operate by itself (no commas) and only one per sentence (unlike my usage here which is incorrect). It separates two halves of sentence and should not be used multiple times.
Grammar lesson Wesley.
I still like the poem though. Rather dark for you... or is it?

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Will make the corrections! I should be paying more attention - and I should be proof reading.

Thanks again - much appreciated.

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

In the first stanza the semi colon is unnecessary.

"The Italian printer Aldus Manutius the Elder established the practice of using the semicolon to separate words of opposed meaning and to allow a rapid change in direction in connecting interdependent statements. The first printed semicolon was the work of Aldus Manutius in 1494. Ben Jonson was the first notable English writer to use the semicolon systematically. The modern uses of the semicolon relate either to the listing of items or to the linking of related clauses." Wikipedia

"According to Lynne Truss, a British writer on grammar, many non-writers avoid the colon and semicolon for various reasons: "They are old-fashioned", "They are middle-class", "They are optional", "They are mysteriously connected to pausing", "They are dangerously addictive (vide Virginia Woolf)", and "The difference between them is too negligible to be grasped by the brain of man". "

The single word "stooped" needs only a comma, but in truth the semicolon is so ethereal it can be used in this case. Picky aren't I? This is also true about the third stanza. I don't think any punctuation is needed as it is a complete sentence without.

In the last stanza I would like to see you eliminate the repetitive "so". You could begin the line with "therefore" and make sure you have a comma before the second "so" or you could leave the first one and replace the second with "and". There are other options as well, there are but two. Remember that repetition without specific effect is merely redundant.
Do not fear your thesaurus, it is our friend. Mine is The Synonym Finder. What is yours?

"Every word has worth." Benson

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Your an absolute dream! Thank you sooo much for your help and expertise. I've made the changes and I will try to put your advice into practise in future! ( I will no doubt be coming back to this spot to jog my memory ).

I have been using the word processor thesaurus - but I will be taking a look at yours a.s.a.p ( probably Sunday afternoon ).

This is a dark write for me! I have done a couple of dark poems - they are an attempt at describing how I feel during times of deep depression. I wrote this one last year - fortunately I don't feel depressed all the time, I suspect I have bi-polar but I've never had it officially diagnosed.

I feel very guilty that I haven't revisited your poem yet! I will try to drop in on Sunday! and I sincerely apologize to all those I haven't visited yet!

Be assured I really appreciate your help - the poem is so much better now. I hope I haven't missed any edits out.

Thank you Wes!

Love Mand xxxxxx

author comment

Think of yours.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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