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Set Adrift...

Submitted by Geezer on Sat, 2016-05-21 10:51

Empty eyes see only fears
Lies wander by my head
The heart of the matter shows tears
I'm wishing I were dead
The pain of my story holds fast
Treachery comes from the inside
Bound by my love to the mast
Swept away by the tide
Davy Jones helms my wallowing ship
My compass spins, holds no heading
Reach out for my hand on the trip
It's the ending that I'm dreading

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
Last few words: 
I took the liberty of shortening this one as well as rewriting it! Not sure if what I did is right, but it felt good.
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Workshop: 
Abstract words and abstract poetry

Comments

Rula

Mon, 2016-05-23 08:41

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I like this. I would say the imagery here express more fear rather than abandonment, but I might be wrong of course. I wish orhers would tell what they think about it and whether it's abstract or not.
I thought the last stanza ( last four lines) are really special in terms of imagery.
thank you for sharing.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Geezer

Mon, 2016-05-23 22:33

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may be right; after re-reading it, I see where one might say that it is the fear of abandonment rather than the act of... oh well, back to the drawing; or maybe writing board. LOL Thanks for the input Rula. ~ Gee

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author comment

judyanne

Tue, 2016-05-24 02:45

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I have no idea if this is the WS's definition of abstract - but it is how I would see your poem within my understanding of the concept (but I may be very wrong)

Sorry, I'm not part of this WS, so please excuse the intrusion (I've been following the WS page since I've been back - was too late to join :-)

Lies wander by
empty eyes that see only
the shade of fear

My story's pain
holds fast
internal treachery
Bound by love to the mast

Davy Jones helms
my wallowing ship
My compass spins
holds no heading

It's the ending I dread
(Or .... the ending I've dreaded)

Anywhere close, do you think?
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Geezer

Wed, 2016-06-08 10:00

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too! You seem to have a little better grasp of this workshop than I did. I don't think that I was all that far off and understand it a lot better than I did at the beginning, which is why I joined the workshop in the first place. Thank you for the critique and comment. Glad to see you back here, missed you. ~
Gee.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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