Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Serving a poetic cocktail (Sedoka)

juggle mind for words
cherry pick appealing ones
and shake a tipsy cocktail

raise a toast for joy
let it roll onto your tongue
say "hey i got it all right"

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
This is my first attempt at a Sedoka which was introduced by Rula in the last few words of her poem...she enticed me to try it...as she explained a Seduka is made up of two Katukas..one katuka being a 3 line verse with 5-7-7 syllable sequence hope i got it right
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I can't help but feel (shaking) could be your first word to start this one off. Just a thought as we sure shake those cocktails right?

I have no idea of the form so I am affraid I cannot help with that, we shall wait for some experts, Rula will come I'm sure
Tipsy? Are cocktails tipsy? Try reading it as champagne instead just to see?
Make a champagne cocktail. I like working with you. I hope I have shaken your mind today...

Thank you...Teddy

Thanks for the read and your comment and suggestion. I will think about it during edit..

be well...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

with Teddy. It just would seem natural to have it begin with shaking. I do think that tipsy is alright for the other line. Nice little Sedoka. They seem to work well according to what they are supposed to be, I don't remember trying this before, so I can't say for certain. ~ Geez.
.,

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

for your comments. Appreciated.

Be well..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Thank you for taking the challenge. I knew it is a piece of cake for aspired poets just like yourself.

The only thing you need to check is K.2 L.2 where you got one syllable less
May be something like: "let it roll (onto) your tongue"
An owesom writing as usual from your pen. I have nothing to say but much appreciation dear raj!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Thanks for taking time to read and good to know I got it right except for one syllable less in K2L2 which i have now fixed....

be well....

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.