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Serving Lifetime in a Cell [Sunku for March Contest]
Feels like
holding world
in my pocket
From my
Loo I roam
around the globe
Turning
me deaf to
knocks on the door
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Contest:
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Comments
Geezer
Wed, 2018-03-07 13:37
Nice Sunku...
about the cellphone phenomena. Looks like you really have a handle on this.
~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
raj
Wed, 2018-03-07 13:59
Thanks Gee
For reading and decoding the poem. I wanted to see if the huge impact of Cell/Smart phones can really be captured in Sunku form and to try and get it aesthetically right. I hope whosoever is going to judge is familiar with what Sunku is....
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raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentjane210660
Wed, 2018-03-07 14:23
Like this
It made me smile yet it says so much.
Jx
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Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
raj
Wed, 2018-03-07 14:38
Thanks Jane
for your time to read this one and your comment. Good to know it made you smile and you could read between the lines....I think you should join the Sunku Workshop...You may love this short form ..
Regards...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentjane210660
Wed, 2018-03-07 15:02
Thanks Raj
I’m sure I’d love it, but I haven’t any time to take anything else on at the moment. Jx
------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
raj
Wed, 2018-03-07 15:07
No problems Jane if you don't
No problems Jane if you don't have the space and time to join the workshop. As and when possible, keep an eye on it. May be if it stimulates your muse when you have more leisure time you can give it a go.
Mean time...Happy Women's Day!
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentjane210660
Wed, 2018-03-07 16:25
Thank you
I hadn’t realised it was Women’s Day. Thank you anyway. Jx
------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
lovedly
Fri, 2018-03-09 10:17
...
....since u ignored
I removed
Marlies Vonn
Fri, 2018-03-09 06:26
Knocks on Doors
This was very relatable - especially with the knocking on the door. For me, if someone does knock, you would figure I'm wanted by police guaging by the way I jump. Almost scared of the outside sometimes.
I enjoyed the poem. I don't really feel qualified to offer critique of any sort.
raj
Fri, 2018-03-09 07:11
Thanks for the read. "Knocks
Thanks for the read. "Knocks on the door" is with reference to second stanza meaning knocks on the Loo door.
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raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentChiori
Mon, 2018-04-02 06:43
cool
cool
always remember to make a critique of other poems
using the hoe is not madness for nothing
raj
Mon, 2018-04-02 14:22
Thanks Chiori
for the read and comment
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raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentvalene
Mon, 2018-04-02 10:46
very good, Raj
except the word, 'around'. it's superfluous.
rather 'the (two syllables) globe'
'chip fed'? lol.
anyways, very simply, your sunku is spot-on.
as 'acme', not 'acne'. lol.
Best wishes....val x
raj
Mon, 2018-04-02 14:23
Thanks Val
for the read and appreciative comment...
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raj (sublime_ocean)
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