Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

SERRAGLIO -rewrite of BORDELLO ["oblivion" is back]FINAL RENDITION as of 3AM 11/9

SERRAGLIO

all the noise of living
settles to a whisper
riding sultry breezes
of black satin nights.
perfumed silk curtains
dance around the room
on ocean waves
Murmurs of the day
still lingering in dark alleys
fade away
into Night’s oblivion

Last few words: 
This is what NEO is all about. I listened to your comments;. worked out several versions, and came up w/ the one I liked. Based on a memory: Bourbom Street, New Orleans, 1971
Editing stage: 

Comments

to a hot summer day. I can picture lying there, enjoying the fade into evening and then finally the entrance into the land of dreams. Delicious! ~ Gee

The addition of a premium-membership can:
Help you navigate the site easier, change and create the look of your profile-page!
Just see what you can do! Add a bit of flavor to your profile and kick it up a notch!

Thanks, Gee.

author comment

Like this....very evocative use of soft sounding lexis.

'Betty'

Thanks! I like working on imagery to evoke the reality of a certain momrnt.Sometimes it works; sometimes it doesn't.

author comment

when young under you
many would have loved to reel
you have quite an experience i feel
so be it
may Almighty fancy thee

loved

I ain't dead yet, LOL

New Orleans, French quarter. 1972

author comment

you will outlive me
another
AT THE LEAST
ten years PLUS MORE
for you G

loved

Oh, no. I wish for you a longer life filled with the jys of living. While I live, I might as w ell not waste the time and live the day.

Some of your responses shou;f be expanded and posted. They are littlr jrewels of poetry.

author comment

As always brilliant imagery and a pleasure to read,
I have no suggestions

I love the last stanza

love n hugs your Jayne xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

BIG SMILE. You nderstand now whymy poems have gotten shorter.

Love to my Jane from Joe.

author comment

all the noise of living
settles to a whisper this is a great opening
barely heard I'd omit this as it's implied by the previous line
riding sultry breezes
of a tropical night. 'tropical' is a bit ordinary something less expected?

Black lace and satin.
Perfumed silk curtains
dance across the room
from the balcony window. always worthwhile to use punctuation as it gives you more power over your words. This S is less successful that S1 both rhythmically and image wise

Murmurs of the day
still lingering.
In dark alleys,
fade away into
night’s oblivion oblivion is an abstraction, it works sonically but as an image its vague, better if you can find something more real.

I think the title sets up expectations, this poem is not specifically about a brothel, it could be any ladies room and works in that capacity.
best wishes
ross

Thanks I will get this back on word and make changes. Wonderful critique,

joe

author comment

i went for a walk and when i got back lo and behold, much better
ross

"night's oblivion"...was the perfect ending...a bordello room...where adults could be oblivious to social codes of behaviour. It was certainly much harder, stronger. It doesn't need toning down with the wishy-washy safe girlie bedroom feel..."silent shadows".

I think the whole essence and feel has been broken...pity :(((

It's all subjective...just be true to your initial draft, it worked.

'Betty'

I like the changes,but u r right about OBLIVION

author comment

but II failed to understand it. Not your fault, mine.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Well, meaningless is good--for a change I was so damned young. Where the f... did time go??????. See, my angst is still showing. :)

author comment

Seriously, though, sometimes I like just to create a mood or feelng.Ekphrasis.

author comment

Jess, buddy. you inspired a poem. Thought you would enjoy my "lighter" side :)

Indolent and meaningless
senseless
words that fall from my mind
like leaves from an autumn tree.
a circle of metaphors so pretty
lyrics flowing in rivers of rhyme
yet never reaching the sublime.

I am first to admit
It is true
my poetry smells
at times
like shit on a shoe….
But
not everyone can make
poetry out of poo.
I just did.
Can you?

Have a good day, mate It is a cold 57F in south Florida!

author comment

is my speciality!

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Evocative,
because of the title, Il Seraglio die Entfurung-can have spelt that wrong.

One's imagination fills the cloth that dances over the waves in the breeze of events, cooled after the heat of the brothel, its perfumes and sounds dying in the dawn. I can imagine. Anni.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Danke, meine liebe Anni. SERRAGLIO ist richtig.

Dahinter ist es eime froeliche Erinnerung. In allen meinen "Lieden" kann man meine Seele finden.

author comment

Enough said...LOL

'Betty'

Thanks. You were all so helpful.

author comment

Ich liebe Die entfur..aus ...etc Mozart. Specially the bit where Osmin and Blonda are discussing in semi-whispers, the escape of Constanza; at least in the recording I heard it first. That electric air of expectancy and intrigue; something that surround a brothel I dare say-never been near one other than in films. Anni

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Life is electric, my Anni, but some of us get fried.

author comment

I like what you have done with this one ... good work guys :)

love your Jayne xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

nicely composed now, lovely flow,

dance round the room gives it more alliteration, also more like real speech
like ocean waves 'on' is too literal
Murmurs of the day
still linger(ing)
in dark alleys
fade away into night’s oblivion
breaking the lines like this creates an added alliteration as the lines are begun below the same letter,
bit of a trick, but it gives a visual and sonic hesitation to the rhythm, a bit like a jazz impro, don't actually think it would help this poem, just showing you for future refence
think capitalizing Night is unnecessary, night is not central to your theme, nor is it a character in a narrative.
but please don't change your poem again, its your work and it's fine the way it is, these crits are just my way of saying 'write more poetry'
peace and blessings
ross

my layout didn't happen when i posted,
'still' should start under the 's' of murmurs
'in dark...' should line up under the 'in' of 'lingers'

maybe needs HTML symbols to make this happen? shall have to ask.

so

Murmurs of the day

             still linger

                    in dark alleys

maybe will work now

Yes. I think that works better.

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.