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SENRYU ( Japanese shop)

#1
Self professed genius
multiple advanced degrees
can't find car at Wal-mart
#2
Unsure why I take this action
or how to impliment
like the plan?
#3
Five trillion dollars more
unimaginable number
so much for "change"
#4
Tiny thong
bane of modesty
especially on him

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Now you have the bare bones of the Senyru the only thing to do is use a syllable count, to stretch, or shrink the odd line to conform with the 5-7-5 syllables.
Your subjects are fine and progressive, Yours Ian.T

PS;- I got this wrong there is no line numbers for senyru or syllable count.
I just did mine that way but that's meLOL

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Let me check again, but I think Senryu is not governed by syllable count............stan

author comment

You are so right to write as you did Senryu can even be One liners.
It appears that I cannot read my own piece on this subject, so I cancel my comment and say sorry, Stet to all your words..
I am also learning, had never written more than one Haiku before this workshop but find it very interesting, and even learning about the other forms. I think you will find the last part very interesting as it is the Japanese version of a round Robin and I love Robins,
Yours A Sorrowful Sparrow....

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

#1 crap. Doesn't say anything worthwhile

#2 This I like! You won't like my comment that it is an existentialist dilemma

#3 not much

#4 eeewww!

#5 waiting.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

#1 might be a bit better now that I corrected typos
#2 why shouldn't I like that comment?
#3 can't please all the people all the time
#4 That's not what You wear when swimming lol...........
#5 there's supposed to be five?......................................stan

author comment

Japanese poetry is supposed to be exquisite and profound

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

All I know about Senryu is what I looked up quickly on line. The main thing I got out of it was that a twist on human nature was a main ingredient and that they often were amusing............I had written a total of one Senryu in the past so my next one is bound to be an improvement..............stan

author comment

I think my first set of comments were overly harsh. You tackled the form well.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

i expect the typo in the 1st one which I since corrected might have had a lot to do with how it read . But thanks for rereading them with fresh eyes..........stan

author comment

Senyru #1 it's not exactly traditional Japanese form, but is really good senyru it has human content and the syllable count is right.
As for #2,3 and 4 syllable structure has not been meet.With some fine tuning these will be great. They're not Japanese, but more westerly different. Which is okay in that we are not Japanese and aren't fully capable of writing exactly as they do.. In my opinion Keepin basic structure and form is about as close as we would get as we write from our own disposition. That's what makes us creatively unique.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I'm going to research Senryu a bit further. It seems I remember reading somewhere that syllable count in senryu was not as strict as in Haiku..............stan

author comment
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