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Senryu Heavenly Blessings

Submitted by alidzain on Wed, 2016-06-08 04:20

Droplets of rain fall,
the dry earth embrace blessings
freed from gripping thirst.

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Trying to practice my senryu. Not sure if the title is okay. At first I thought "Blessings From Above." Tell me what you think.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

mand

Wed, 2016-06-08 05:28

mand's picture
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Very nice imagery - lovely sentry u.

alidzain

Wed, 2016-06-08 12:35

alidzain's picture

Thanks for dropping by. Hope all is well with your family.

Alid

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jane210660

Wed, 2016-06-08 13:19

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I just looked up Senryu, as I had a feeling it would be a form of poetry, but I wasn't sure.
Without adhering to the form, this is a lovely poem, I am in awe when poets can work to strict form and make it look as though there were no constraints. Jx

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alidzain

Wed, 2016-06-08 14:15

alidzain's picture

we are in awe of each other then.

Alid

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Sparrow

Thu, 2016-06-09 04:18

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A Senryu would seem to be an easy thing to do, three lines and a syllable count.
This one is good now there is a contest on this month that will stretch your ability have a go you should find it a challenge..
Yours, Ian.

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Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

alidzain

Thu, 2016-06-09 12:30

alidzain's picture

its not always easy if you have restricted syllable counts. I am thinking of joining the contest but I need to find the time for it. It's the fasting month and its quite busy here.

Alid

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jane210660

Thu, 2016-06-09 13:22

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Is that why you were up at 2am the other day?
Routines must be topsy turvy at the moment, especially as it isn't so far in. Jx

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Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

alidzain

Thu, 2016-06-09 15:21

alidzain's picture

its just that I can't sleep or I'm feeling restless. Sometimes its family duties like looking after mum for the whole night, like that. My sleeping time has not been consistent. It's like I'm tired but my mind is at work, work,work and so I try to do something like reading or writing poetry. I'm in the malay poets group so I write mostly in Malay and a little bit of English now and then.

Alid

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Sparrow

Thu, 2016-06-09 19:13

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Seeing that you cannot eat twix sunrise and sunset I think a poem on it's effects on your ways would be good,
Take care young man, Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

alidzain

Thu, 2016-06-09 23:49

alidzain's picture

We shall see, but I don't think it will be one of those poems. I do have a few ideas but like I said, its the time I need to find to try to put them into the format before I choose which is the best.

Alid

author comment

jane210660

Thu, 2016-06-09 15:43

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Thanks for telling me.
I wish you a restful night tonight. Jx

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Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

Esker

Fri, 2016-06-10 04:50

Esker's picture

nothing like that arid tension
we here or I here on my land
we get much rain..or enough
blessings like rain
and the last line was a
beaut!

thank U!

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