Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Self Conflict
Dazed with pitiful bleary eyes
Spirit hopeless but in disguise
He acts strong but inside he cries
His life he wish he could revise
Bound to fail even if he tries
Anger explodes with no surprise
Blood an tears will fall as heart beat rise
Then fall asleep and meet his demise
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
i made up the title at the last second.........realistically there is no title
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Rula
Thu, 2012-05-03 00:28
A good title(imo)
A nice piece to detect the human feelings and what sometimes
we intentionally like to hide or show. I believe this is something
human ..I like the opening two lines very much
Dazed with pitiful bleary eyes
Spirit hopeless but in disguise
His life he wish he could revise
I think this should be [he wishes] or [he wished]
You need to keep a consistant verb tense..Either you write it
all in present or in the past ..etc.
Blood an tears will fall as heart beat rise
Do you mean ..Blood and tears fall as the heart beats rise
Then fall asleep and meet his demise
I suggest ..
Then fall asleep to meet hes demise
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
Dark_Death
Thu, 2012-05-03 11:36
i was so drunk when i wrote
i was so drunk when i wrote this i forgot i did this until i woke up and found neopoet open
author commentCandlewitch
Thu, 2012-05-03 12:38
Hello D_D,
I much like these lines:
His life he wish he could revise
Bound to fail even if he tries
Anger explodes with no surprise
I also agree with the suggested changes by Rula.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.