Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Seasons of Desire

Let me tarry ever onward,

may sleep's crystals land not,

upon my brow;

I never realized how precious

it would be

to find my cheek upon your bosom, until now.

~

Let me steal away

to where rays of sunshine light your hills,

your garden spills bounty upon my table,

and I'm able

to taste the fruits of our desire.

~

Darkness can awaken your shadows,

I squint to see

if your windows dare look towards me.

Night darkens blue,

and I recall the you,

that awakens all the stars.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

The double spacing of the lines detracts from the beauty and quality of the poem. They distract the reader. It is my suggestion that you remove them for a smoother poem. I really like these lines:
Let me steal away

to where rays of sunshine light your hills,

your garden spills bounty upon my table,

and I'm able

to taste the fruits of our desire.

You have given this piece great ending lines.
always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

but not my favorite of yours. Almost too pretentious. I don't know. I didn't like the spacing either, but don't think it slaughtered the poem. The words are still there, but I do like the "appearance" of a poem enough to consider things like that.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

as it adds a nice pace and makes each line visually distinct and well-balance (which I think reflects the poem as a whole).

Only thing that disrupted my reading a little was 'until now' in this line "to find my cheek upon your bosom, until now." I think maybe you could without it. But it may just be me and I may be missing the point entirely.

I really love the flow, pacing and sheer balance that the words and the poem as a whole has here.

Beautiful poem:)!

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.