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SEAGULLS
I've visited the distant sea
and walked its briny sandy shore
as seagulls seemed to call to me
above the breakers' ceaseless roar.
They'd fly ashore at the first light
as if some fabled far side land,
a land beyond both ken and sight,
had sent them to this beach's strand.
Then they'd leave and fly beyond
the far horizon's misty end
as if upholding some strange bond.
They'd glide away on evening's wind.
And all the time that haunting cry,
a message spoken but unheard,
regardless of how hard I'd try
I never could discern one word.
Then came the time I had to leave
yet gulls still echo in my mind
when east winds blow on summer eve.
Did part of me remain behind?
One day I'll return to that shore
and finally learn what seagulls say
then join them as they leave once more.
With them my soul will fly away.
To that far place I'll go to stay
leaving all sorrows in the past.
I'll join the old ones on that day
and finally find true peace at last.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
Still not quite there but maybe getting closer
Editing stage:
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Comments
Rula
Wed, 2012-12-26 09:14
Hi Stan
You know I am not an expert but I've little tripped with that fifth line
I think four can do the job well!!
I think you could have ended up with the fifth stanza (imo)
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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scribbler
Wed, 2012-12-26 15:56
Hi Rula
Your opinions are always valued by me. I'll edit this before too long and keep your ideas in mind when I do. Thanks for leaving your thoughts.............stan
author commentIan.T
Thu, 2012-12-27 03:11
Stan
Not to sure on this one it became kind of entangled, like that last line could have been moved away as if to start another stanza but the scene was too much, or final in just one line, I do this sometimes not sure if it's good poetry..
I have put two lines under with slight additions, I felt that the length could be more uniform but others will come in to say.
Your theme is lovely a fight with the seagulls that tend the shore balanced with your life, Take care young Stan, I look forward to your views on this one, Yours Ian.T
"as if by chance some far side land"
"that far horizon's perfect bend"
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
scribbler
Thu, 2012-12-27 09:16
Hi Ian
I'm tendind toward removing that last line and maybe even reworking last stanza. Appreciate your thoughts.........stan
author commentscribbler
Thu, 2012-12-27 14:59
Hi Lonnie
So far your feelings are in the majority lol. I am already looking at some ways to improve it. Think I'll begin by deleting last line...................stan
author commentIan.T
Wed, 2013-01-02 03:39
Stan
I think that you are over writing this piece it is a lovely story, but the flow is being juggled around, the extra word though good seem to be too much as in briny in line two. then a hiccup with, "far side land".
The simplistic way of your story is marred by extra words, hey that's me who's saying this lol.
Take care young Stan, have a great year, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
scribbler
Wed, 2013-01-02 09:11
hi Ian
I appreciate your input. I'll let it sit as is for a bit then come back with fresh eyes and see what I can do.............stan
author commentTam the Chanter
Wed, 2013-01-02 06:22
seagulls
Stan, I really liked this quietly evocative piece. Nice imagery for a theme of freedom and release. Just a couple of things; birdwatchers go ape-shit about the collective "seagulls" as they are all different species e.g. herring gull, great black-backed gull, common gull etc. and I get a stumble on "one day I'll return to thar shore".
I would be tempted to dump the second-last stanza altogether. Its a really interesting write, well done.
Ian
TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA
scribbler
Wed, 2013-01-02 09:18
Hello
Always good to hear from you. Somehow the tilet"herring,black backed common and other gulls" seems a bit long lol. To people who don't live on the oceans they are all just seagulls so I guess the birdwatchers will just have to grit their teeth . I might be trying to jam too much into this poem so as I said above I'll let it sit a spell then come back to it....................stan
author commentEumolpus
Tue, 2018-01-30 17:22
bird poems
As I recently also posted a Seagull poem, and many of us also have have goose and duck poems not to say how many other birds, this might be worth a contest. We would get a flock of bird poems.
Your poem gives me a sense of reincarnation. That one day you will be a seagull. Hey, as Nabokov put it, life is filled with so many surprises, why should death be different..." If so, I'll see hovering at shoreline I'm sure...I'll wear as ascot so you can spot me,
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
scribbler
Tue, 2018-01-30 22:26
Hello
I actually meant this to be about sea gulls carrying my soul to the other side of the horizon. I know that traditionally this is the work of crows but I figured they might be tiring of all the work lol.
Hmmm....a contest about bird related poems.....good idea
author commentEumolpus
Tue, 2018-01-30 23:38
didn't catch that
But I think it's an important point! You said:
then join them as they leave once more.
With them my soul will fly away.
So I thought you would go with them. In the Republic, Plato suggests through Socrates of the ancient belief of transmigration of souls. The soul wanders about for a while and then is drawn into the bulwark of life being created, and the next thing you know (or don't know) you're a duck..or a seagull or wildebeest or whatever...so that was my impression..
perhaps suggest they will "accompany your soul," or "guide your soul", to be in that paradise of the old ones and peace...
..
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
scribbler
Wed, 2018-01-31 09:30
Hi
This poem came back to the stream due to an edit so you can be assured it will be edited again and in the mean time I'll be thinking about how I might best clarify my intended meaning. Of course there's also the chance I leave it as is so the reader can interpret it as he/she sees fit. In either case I appreciate your thoughts.
author commentscribbler
Wed, 2018-01-31 09:32
Hi Molly
It's always a pleasant surprise to see a new poet show up on my page. I appreciate your time to read and kind comment......stan
author comment