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A Scream In The Dark

She was always
a story, a mystery
that no one
could resolve.

Into the cavities of the night,
under the faint blurry lights,
her scream roamed
with the shadows
of dead pharaohs
then dissolved,

tattered,
tossed,
scattered,
shattered
and lost
then burst into
a tantrum,

a conniption
that gravelled
not only her,
but all those who
dwelled her heart.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words: 
(It's Precious's idea) I am experimenting a whole new world for me here and wish no one would ever live. I've tried to keep a bit of structured with rhymes, though it turned sometimes to be free to show the sense of confusion and disturbance that someone might suffer. Excited to know how much I've / haven't succeeded.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I loved the theme, though I think that the up and down of the volume of the scream, could with some rearranging of your lines make a loud then gradual fade of the scream as the poem progressed.

Into the hollow nights,
under the faint lights,
her scream travelled.

a conniption
that gravelled
not only her,
but all who
incidentally
passed the alleys

tattered,
tossed,
scattered,
shattered

bursting into
a tantrum,
and lost
in dim corridors
in shallow thoughts,

It roamed
with the shadows
of dead pharaoh,
then dissolved
where once dwelt
her memories.

If you can see what I mean, the words are beaut and the flow of thought jumped too much, I shall wait for your reply..
Not sure of the form I expect someone will say lol.
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

as I said, this was a complete new for me. No specific form has been followed and that was intentional to show some sense of confusion, though, as you know, I am very strict when needed. :)

I liked how you re-arranged it. I see it could be read in different and many ways and I think it all leads to
much confusion LOL
I think it's not that bad as a first attempt sincere attempt to authenticate VERY fake sentiments.
Thanks for your well read and the suggestions as well.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

As with most things in the universe they seem to move in a sinusoidal wave your write did that, mine started high and faded as if a tuning fork is hit and then left to slowly fade away.
I think that your way was excellent, I only wish others would come in and talk on the poetry.
You take care out there and I wait for your next piece, Yours Ian

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I think you have captured an experience
you have never lived with an amazing
amount of clarity to my confusion
this topic is actually not just a random
idea with no ties
I live with DPD and used my personal
emotions for my
suggested idea
I believe you can connect to your inner "crazies"
and let the world see a snippet of a truly
blessed curse

Alone we shall find our ways into worlds of never imagined discoveries

you've simply made my day. Not that I want someone to applaud my writing, no, I always respect the honesty
of any critic.
My happiness is that I could live the sense of those who face such difficulty as this one.
Thanks for dropping by. I really appreciate it.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

a conniption
that gravelled
not only her,
but all who
incidentally
passed the alleys
where once dwelled
her memories.

I would like to say that the lack of memories would be closer to
what happens .. long periods, short periods of time gone
not to be remembered until
introduced to the creator of those memories
but this poem wasn't written for exact preciseness of my experience
keep writing with your options of anything wide open to explore

Alone we shall find our ways into worlds of never imagined discoveries

You have truly transcended your comfort zones and expressed a poetic voice I have not heard before.

I join the applause, as someone who is also BPD enhanced.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Your poem reminds me of a painting titled "The Scream". It conveys the same hopeless and helpless feelings as well as the surreakism which is displayed in the painting and must be felt by those with multiple personalities. Heck . I'd applaud this simply for using "coniption" which I've not heard in years. There's also the alliteration in the lines 9-12 which lends cadence.
Now being who I am I need to ask if a multi-personality person really loses his/her memories as suggested at the end or whether they are just shuttered within one of the personalities?
Kudos Rula, you make me consider deleting my shop poem as not being worthy................stan

for the comments. I've never imagined I would write such a piece and succeed.
Beau, I am always grateful to your encouraging words.

Jess, I can't say in words how much I am happy that I've particpated with this workshop, it really added much more than words can tell Hope I've satisfied it with my work. So thank you boss.
I wish all the other participants would add some new concepts or ever share their thoughts
with us.
I know Wesley would join if he felt well. Wish he'd come back sometime soon.and

Stan, you don't need me to tell that you're so talanted.. it would take me so long to pen any of your descriptive pieces and I won't be able to because you're so unique with your style, even if you think you didn't do well. Your Kudos 'as jess pointed earlier' is sooooo precious to me.  

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I tend to agree that this is an outstanding effort for someone stepping out of their comfort zone. I have but a few comments which are mostly related to language and logic and are probably pretty petty.

The first stanza feels a bit cliche. I think that if you were to step back into character that you could greatly improve the opening.

There are a few words throughout that detail similar scenes (corridors/alleys, faint/dim, traveled/roamed). I think that you could find subs that would open the imagery and perhaps enhance the confusion.

Suggestion, combine the first and second stanzas

... a scream roamed
with the shadows...

The last few lines give me the sense that she has been afflicted with amnesia. Someone with personal experience can correct me if I am wrong, but isn't more a sense of lost time rather than a loss of memory?

As always, you force me to think in different arenas

Scott

Scott

Thanks for your valuable thoughts.
I did some edits concerning the opening and the closing lines. Do they make any improvements especially that all the commentators agreed that people with confusion don't necessarily lose their memories.
Let me know what you think, please.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I like where you have taken this but a couple of lines/words seem unnecessary. Try reading it without the last line of the first and second stanzas.

even with those words remaining, it is still an excellent effort

Scott

Scott

I like it much better your way. Thanks
Did you like the first stanza?
Was that what you meant by stepping back into character or you meant something else?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

I like all of the edits you have made. Hope that you like them too

Scott

Scott

to comment at such laudable poetry
I have learned newer words
significantly....

Conniption……(((((((((A fit of anger or panic
I came across a new word
so I thought of sharing it
no not out of ignorance
perhaps twas my share only
yet it’s a new word
we can all now see
anger
panic
corruption
all in one word
call it
conniption
will ye…

loved

appreciate your kind words.
conniption was also new to me :) I usually like to insert a new word that I've learnt recently.
Thanks for the visit.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

and so we share
I have composed a poem
on this word of yours
did you read it

loved

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