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Scoody Doo (Story telling in Verse WS) Part II

 

This happened at the cold graveyard while less passionate the night

The vapores uprose high, as a howling crept to the site. 

 

(The shadows are having a talk about what happened)

 

A Spooky spirit:

I heard last night a shriek

that got my heart to freak

It gave the place a shake

it quivered and 't quaked

 

shadow (1):

Tell me what was the sound

and how it shook the ground?

Let's go and check the yard

and have a word with the guard.

 

shadow (2):

I too have heard a shrill

that gave my heart a thrill

It chilled my hollow spine

and left for joy no sign .
 

 

(The Guard, who was another grotesque spirit, wasn't sure and couldn't confirm what could be the source of that scream)

 

The Guard:

't could be a victim of Ian's digit,

or of Carie's Nevermore,

or of Geez's Killer,

or even the Ghoul.

(The spooky spirit cell-phone at that moment received a message)

 

The spooky spirit:

Let me check

I've got a mail

 from Banshee (the spirit of death)

 announcing a new spirit's breath.

 

The mail reads:

"A new spirit's born

it's kinda real pooh

 from this night on

 I'm calling it

Scoody the Doo"

 

All the shadows and the spirits gasped

and stumbled for having a new fart

Yahoo! Yahoo! Yahoo!

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

The spirits of the Digit's deeds
Reside in heaven as is their need
He only takes life that is offered him
He is one continuous trail of sin..
Loved this piece it was so different from any I have seen for a while, as to any faults with the layout or form, well I can say the layout and form were rather hazy and I couldn't really see them properly lol.
Great write, Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Many many thanks for your endless encouraging words.
What I love about this one is that it comes up with a charater I hope to use in the future perhaps to write for the kids. I don't know but as a kid, I always liked the Scoopy Doo Cartoon.
So, creating my Scoody Doo, this character might quickly reach the adorable hearts of the kids.
Maybe some day. Who knows?
It's just a dream.

Hazy ha? Then let's flee away from the MISSSSSSTY GRAVEYAAARD! hahaha

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Just take care when you write, the use of Scoody Doo could cause a problem, better to make up a completely new name.
Can you find a name that is not well known but from a place that all will know as soon as you find a place in history or somewhere.
A made up name that is not similar to one being used as your Scoody, something new and that goes along with the image, such as Trimble, where your presentation of him/her shows that the name came from when this loving stray was found, Trembling in the church yard. after that the adventure begins if you see what I mean.
Come back to me on this one and let me know if you have found a good name for your new write, Yours Ian .T x

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

You are probably right re the names.
Let's see what time brings along.
Thanks for offering the help. It means a lot.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

anyone can charge me for using
"Scoody Dooo" or "Scody Do" with this slight change of the name, I think no one has the right to cause me a trouble.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

It is OK to use your Scoody but the original writers of "Scooby Doo" may cause a problem this happens in this silly world.
I remember once in Southampton my wife was doing body wraps and using a name that she liked called Jonelle, for her customers, we received a letter from a big stores attorney saying we could not use that name as it was one of their beauty products lines and they would take us to court over its use.
I wonder if you can ever own a girls name ??.
Still I will leave it to you to mull over and sort.
Meanwhile you take care and know we are here for you always, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I see what I mean. I like your suggestion about A girl's name.
Thank you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Number one, a creative work may inspire another without copywright infringement. Therefore, "Scoody Doo" is perfectly acceptable.
Number two, copywright infringement only occurs when money is made off of the new incarnation and then it must be proved that the new version is essentially the old version with too little change. There is plenty of change in your new character. You are only using a variation of the name as a satirical joke. Acceptable. Also, you are not yet attempting to sell the new version.
I'll get to the poem in a minute. I have to run a chore.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Just thoughts.
I thought an adorable character and simple words might work well with writing for kids.
Anxious to know what you think about this.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

hmmm, creative. Nice one, Rula.

Alid

A modern ghost hehehe
Thank you Khalid for your kind visit.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I didn't like the meter. Too hit and miss. You knew I had to say something bad.
Now, the concept is a kick. I do hope you mess with this some more. We didn't really get to meet The Doo very much and I for one look forward to him. Remember if you're writing for children meter and rhyme are critical.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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and miss?
I understand you mean that it must be more consistent.
Is that it?

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I shall look into it soon in sha'a Allah.
Honest feedback is what we all seek.
Thank you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

When writing for children, meter and rhyme are almost everything! You do have to have a good story-line and a cute character, but you have that! Like Wes says: it needs better meter. keep after this one! it could be a real winner! ~ Gee

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I'll try to do some cleaning.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

This was really good. My only suggestion is as Wes said. But I'll read again ms,es for good kid book

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I hope one day to write something for kids

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

In children's verse meter and rhyme are nearly everything. You have the character and the story, now look into producing a little old fashioned sing song (not a bad thing).

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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Composing I thought only of scratching a storyline.
Writing for the kids came later. Almost when I have finished .
I shall see what I can do.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I liked the beginning through ending and a cute name for the newborn. You have pretty well captured the graveyard vibes in this dramatic write.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Sublime ocean!
Toooooo kind of you to say so.
It's almost my first true story to tell and I am happy I could 'kick' it. :)

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Meter is usually fairly easy to fix. Just read this out loud in as neutral a voice as you can and the imperfections will be easily heard. "Scoody Doo" huh? lmao. I think the spirits at the end were stumbling and gasping instead of dancing and cheering from the fart having been born.............stan

Always appreciate your kind visit and the feedback.
I shall consider the changes you've suggested as soon as I decide the edits.
I guess I am not that expert when it comes to the ghosts, ha?

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I think it's shaping up good. As for meter, I'm not the best and still working to get it mastered. I think a better of flow of meter like rhymed lyric and poetry sung will work. Children books usually sing along in its story like a chorus or hook.

When I write I sing it in my head as I write in unorthodox meter as only I can when traditional meter taught here eludes me when I've participated in meter workshops here lol.

I like the character here.

It all happened at the old graveyard
One cold, chilly, misty night
It was so vaporous
nothing was clear to the sight

A Spooky spirit:

Just last night I heard a shriek
that got my heart to freak
The whole place had a shake
That quivered and quaked

shadow (1):

I heard a sound
that shook the ground?
Let's check with the guard
Overseeing the misty graveyard.

shadow (2):

Then I heard a shrill
that gave my heart a thrill
yet chilled my hollow spine
and left it cold and still.

(The Guard, who was another grotesque spirit, wasn't sure and couldn't confirm what could be the source of that scream)

The Guard:

It could be a victim of Ian's digit,
Carrie's Nevermore,
Geez's Killer
or even the Ghoul.

(The spooky spirit cell-phone at that moment received a message)

The spooky spirit:

Ohh, Let me check my phone
I've got mail
from Banshee

(the spirit of death)

She's announcing
It's a new spirit's breath.

The mail reads:

"A new spirit was born
it's kinda pooh
and from now on
I'm calling it Scoody Doo"

All the spirits and shadows celebrated
with joyful shouts and dances

Yahoo! Yahoo! Yahoo!

It's you baby sot hiss just a suggestion that flow for me. My unorthodox meter. Lol

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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for the effort.
I appreciate the help though I found it difficult to see where you've changed for most of the part.
I appreciate it again if you tell me what do you think of the new version.

Anyone see any improvement in both the rhyme and the rhythm?

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

It's just a few word changes.
Where the new version, the only change I see is the ending. ?

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

No, I have done many edits but perhaps the advanced format doesn't show the revisions. But reading it aloud, does it flow any better?

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

The one thing that's gets me is this " 't " and " a mail " ?
The ending changes the hold theme from one of a new spirit to a fart! Interesting concept, spirits, ghouls and fart? I suppose they all are unseen, you know they're there either by sense of mood or sense of smell lol

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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