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Scent

Submitted by gregwa8 on Thu, 2018-10-11 20:59

sometimes I feel
like an abandoned
hatchling
that God is too afraid
to touch

for fear he’ll leave his scent
and the other birds
will shun me
and I’ll die
an outcast

sometimes I feel
like God became
a man
with my very scent
just to
save me

but do I have
the nose
the acumen
to follow his
scent trail?

man & divine?
body

& sensible spirit?

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Thu, 2018-10-11 21:38

Geezer's picture
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about the title. I'm on the fence; trying to decide if you should put the [C] in it. Your language is good,
the pattern/rhythm is good too. The theme is a tried and true one, that always captures the imagination.
I would like to see another stanza to end this and provide a mystery that asks for resolution. ~ Geezer.
.

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gregwa8

Thu, 2018-10-11 21:52

gregwa8's picture

thanks, geezer. I took your advice and added to the poem a mystery that asks for resolution. I decided upon scent with a "c" for the title. thank for the read and the challenge to dig back into the poem.
greg

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Eumolpus

Thu, 2018-10-11 22:55

Eumolpus's picture

Indeed the apparent absentee of the divine has been a subject since the enlightenment.
I think you know my place..I agree with the graffiti on a wall at Auschwitz- "If there is a god he will have to beg forgiveness from me"

The idea of finding God through a scent is quite novel . Although when you asked
but do I have
the nose
the acumen
to follow his
scent trail?

I immediately thought of the many animals who have hundreds of time more sensitive noses like dogs or bears who can smell something miles away.

Although I don't think even putting a bloodhound on the trail might help find whatever it was you are being saved from. Maybe therein lies the resolution.
...

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

gregwa8

Sat, 2018-10-13 00:13

gregwa8's picture

thanks Eumolpus, for helping me find myself in the greater context of poets and humans in general. I appreciate your words, as usual. to have a nose like an animal for a day, what a wonder that would be!

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