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SAVIOR
You save my heart from being stone
and have done so for so many years
kept this brooding man from life alone
a fate which any sane man fears
For I know one such as I
can't be easy to endure
how often have I made you cry?
far too many times I'm sure
You're the one who melts the ice
every time my soul turns chill
you're the sole one to entice
me back down that frozen hill
All it takes is a slight smile
to compromise my icy shield
and urge me on another mile
which leads me to a warmer field
Should one day you be first to leave
and doom me to be on my own
I'll join you soon for I believe
my heart will truly turn to stone
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Wed, 2012-07-25 00:41
Nicely written with your usual idiosyncratic metric quirks
but the content I find deplorable. Why do intelligent, honest, other-wise brave people subject themselves to the judgement of a fictional higher being? We can make our own choices and judge for ourselves, if we are accountable.
The last stanza makes no sense. If you believe in a saviour he would not leave you. And then you could not join him if your heart turned to stone. It sounds like you've become an unconscious atheist.
Now tell tell me how badly I have mis-read this! [grins]
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Wed, 2012-07-25 08:20
Hi Jess
Well I guess this needs a bit of reworking. The Savior is not any higher being, it is my wife Susan. Guess I'm not quite direct enough with message on this one lol..........stan (actually wrote it for our upcoming anniversary. good thing I've not given it to her yet)
author commentweirdelf
Wed, 2012-07-25 12:03
Don't!
it is the poetic equivalent of saying she looks fat in that dress!
If you must show it t her, tell her she looks great in stone! [grins]
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Wed, 2012-07-25 12:39
LOL
In review it IS a bit of a downer for an anniversary poem. Now I'd best hurry up with another more fitting one as the 3rd of Aug. approaches quickly ..................stan
author commentweirdelf
Wed, 2012-07-25 12:56
Oh dear, I fuck up often horrendously
in my feedback. My apologies.
Then again do you think perhaps there may some basis for my misunderstanding?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Wed, 2012-07-25 21:29
hi Jess
In my opinion any time a poem is misread it's at least as much the writer's fault as the reader's. I made an invalid assumption that all would realize I was talking about the love of my life. You read what you wanted to read. Now the question is whether a poem which is interpreted in such widely different ways is good or bad? As usual the answer is with the reader not the writer.....for once a poem is exhibited it no longer belongs to the writer.............stan
author commentIan.T
Wed, 2012-07-25 04:12
Stan
I would stay at home all the time if that person could put up with me being under their feet all day lol,
I think Jess missed the point there, as I am sure you are talking about someone that lives with you and loves you so much and that you love the bones of ????, Yours Ian.T
PS:- grand tribute to them..
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
scribbler
Wed, 2012-07-25 08:23
Hi Ian
Well at least You got the intent lol. I don't think I've Ever written a religious poem and have no plans to do so. I'm still gonna rework this though. Thanks for the visit.............stan
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