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SAVE THE NATIONS

Submitted by Simon on Tue, 2018-09-11 13:32

Hold your soldiers,
hold your thugs,
hold your fire
against the people.
The nations are thirsty
for peace and unity.

Stand together,
stand for all,
stand to build all in one.
the future is crying,
the future is scary.
but the nature has it's laws,
nature justifies.

I hear a child cries,
for his parents are no more.
take the baby
give him life.
For him the nations are ours.
Our nations, our prides,
We must save the nations.

Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
The issue of crisis in every nation now is becoming a big one that nobody is save, Is our duty to prevent and protect everone. Sometimes I imaging how our so leader sleeping with their eyes close, while the Masses suffers.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Eumolpus

Tue, 2018-09-11 22:32

Eumolpus's picture

To address all the nations, as a universal plea, (and indeed today almost all nations are blind to genocide, and torture. To make the poem immediately more universal make the nation plural, as nations. Here's a few tweaks...

Save the Nations

Hold your soldiers,
hold your thugs,
hold your fire
against the people.
The people are thirsty
for peace and unity.

Stand together,
stand for all,
stand to build all in one.
the future is crying,
the future is scary.
but nature has its laws,
nature justifies.

I hear a child cries,
for his parents are no more.
Take the baby
give him life.
For him the nations our ours.
We must save the nations.

Hope you find these suggestions helpful.

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Simon

Wed, 2018-09-12 04:57

Simon's picture

Wow, you blow my mind i thought I didn't lost something very important like this, thanks for your suggestion and for getting my attention to that.

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