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Saturn Lives

Submitted by Simon Smythe on Wed, 2014-11-12 01:11

in my day
we got about
with sticks and pocket knives
turned out

abandoned buildings
breaking things
milk money change
to live like kings

I wonder now
how children stave
to deal without
the be in have

with cotton wool
across the land
who can hear
the trickster's band

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Barbara Writes

Wed, 2014-11-12 05:02

Barbara Writes's picture
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Reminds me of my cotton picking, tobacco stringing and take off, cucumber picking childhood. Stick doll, marbles, jacks, jump rope and hop scotch days. The good old days. Can't see anything to critique.. Just to say, I like the new to me form. It really works for me in the playful poem. .

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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Lenny of Cohen

Fri, 2014-11-14 21:13

One to return to me thinks!

_________________________________________
"Death" is nonsense: what is there to die?
"Life"? How could " life" "die"? That is a contradiction
in terms. Can "light" become "darkness"?
"Light" can only cease to be apparent

Wei Wu Wei

Ian.T

Sat, 2014-11-15 12:57

Ian.T's picture
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A good read here from your write, look forward to many more from you.
Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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