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Sarcastically Miserable ( A dirge to trite angst)
Woe is me oh
I am a torn soul
torn Torn
between two worlds’
One black
one gray
woe is me
a candle
A candle
in a storm
never enough light
to see the ground
upon which
are pieces of me.
Shattered, I am shattered
and I can not embrace
life or anything new
for my hands are, are torn,
torn and filled with
the jagged pieces of me.
Adrift, I am adrift
through life
an empty vessel
that longs only to be
filled with melancholy.
A draft haunts me
I am haunted
By a draft that
will not leave my candle
burn in my Dark corridor
with gray walls
where I lay in lament.
Surrounded by the
many pieces of me
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Thu, 2014-05-15 07:13
self pity
I now you are in pain but look to the best that can come from it.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
IKnowNoBox
Thu, 2014-05-15 16:46
This was fueled by
my Goth site which was for a while full of Emo teens slinging around suicidal innuendos, and building mood swing sets left, and right. While I am for healthy grieving. I refuse to join a persons pity party, or climb doww into their pity pit.. though I will lower a rope. I will also help a person build a bridge to get over it. It is just to uncommon these days to see people online (facebook) phish for sympathy thru trite pleas of angst. Sadly this makes otherwise empathic people apathetic.
In ink,
David
author commentSeren
Sat, 2014-06-07 12:54
David
I thought this was brilliant...I cant see anything I could suggest to improve it, its tight...Well done.
love Jayne x
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
weirdelf
Sat, 2014-06-07 14:46
Try this, just a suggestion-
Sarcastically Miserable ( A dirge to trite angst)
Woe is me oh
I am a torn soul
torn Torn
between two worlds’
One black
one gray
woe is me
a candle
A candle
in a storm
never enough light
to see the ground
upon which
are pieces of me.
Shattered, I am shattered
and I can not embrace
life or anything new
for my hands are, are torn,
torn and filled with
the jagged pieces of me.
Adrift, I am adrift
through life
an empty vessel
that longs only to be
filled with melancholy.
A draft haunts me
I am haunted
By a hraft that
will not leave my candle
burn in my Dark corridor
with gray walls
where I lay in lament.
Surrounded by the
many pieces of me
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
IKnowNoBox
Sat, 2014-06-07 17:53
Done
Thanks, I barely see the difference between the two, but I didn't put them side to side.
In ink,
David
author commentweirdelf
Sat, 2014-06-07 18:54
Above the the title is thr "Revisions" tab.
For fuck use it.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Sat, 2014-06-07 18:46
Abobe the title is a tab thatt says ."Revisions.
It is a most important tool.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
IKnowNoBox
Sat, 2014-06-07 19:20
I kicked myself..
I remembered that right after I did the edit.
author comment