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Sanguine Cravings

How goes the moonlight
Stealing the day, unleashing the night
Her frozen soul awakens
Confronting a ravenous appetite

Inky black hair
That matches the starry sky
Plush red lips
Against snow white skin
Crystal blue eyes
That lock you in

From her perch, she leaps
Onto the deserted street below
There has to be someone
Surely they will show....

And there he was
As if he heard her thought
With a fanged smile, she waited
For just the right spot

Sinking in, teeth to flesh
Draining him of his senses
Life supply dripping, crimson drops
Little by little, then a lot

She dragged him to her lair
Knowing what comes next
For when he awakens
His now immortal life
Is hers to share

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

the vampire theme. A little work and this will be great! As a rhymer, I find it a little bit difficult to use a staggered rhythm such as yours, but find that it is being used more and more amongst the younger and more progressive poets. That being said; You need to make a couple of little changes.
Firstly, I would use the word against, rather than amidst. The word [deserted] seems to be a bit better than desolate. I think that deserted is more likely to conjure up a street empty of people, but with the expectation of someone appearing at any moment. Shave off the [s] on thoughts. With the [s] the last sound you hear from the word thought, the ess takes away from the rhyme of thought/spot. The title word has an [e] on the end and "Little by little, [then] a lot. Just little things that may let the reader get a better flow. As always, ~ Gee.
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Revisions have been made and they do sound much better. Thank you for picking up on those small things as it has made a big difference.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

The littlest things can make a big difference in the way a poem flows. If one has to struggle to make connections, often a reader just gives up, as I recently pointed out to someone else. Always willing to help. ~ Gee.
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great set up with the moonlight "stealing the day". You tell the story in a nice way, in flashes or photographs.
As the whole vampire thing is totally tied to eroticism, I think you could up it a bit in the closing, a little bit juicer. Have some fun! There are so many good erotic poems around, (some arguably almost pornographic as are some of the vampire films lately to inspire you. )

Inky black hair
That matches the starry sky
Plush red lips
Against snow white skin
Crystal blue eyes
That lock you in

Very good description! I think the first 2 stanzas have great intensity, and you can find the same for the rest of the poem. Perhaps about the seduction to allow the fatal bite.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

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